I recently went to the Doc and asked her to prescribe me something to help me sleep. This night shift shit is for the birds. She gave me a bag and smiled.
"Here, take these 'shrooms before bed. You'll sleep like a baby."
Actually, she didn't say that. What she really said was,
"Here's a prescription for Ambien. You'll sleep like a baby."
But I quickly learned she might as well have prescribed the fungi. I woke up the other night in my closet with a half eaten bag of Cracker Jacks and some Marty guy's Shaefer pen, who apparently likes to have things inscribed with 'Marty the Man'
Actually that last part may have been partially concocted, but I think some of it is true. Well, maybe not. Probably not.
See?! That's the shitty thing about this drug whose name we do not speak. It takes your memory of anything that happens post consumption.
Ambien is a Satan drug!
But I don't call it that because I think it was pharmaceutically engineered with the tears of Lucifer himself or anything. Nor do I trip so hard on Ambien that I think I am Satan wanting to eat babies or anything else. Ambien is a Satan drug because it slyly commandeers your most precious possession. It gives you your present. It gives you the time you think you have and assume you will have memory of tomorrow, but no. It harvests the memories
after the good times were had, like a rapist tossing you a Kleenex as you curl in the fetal position.
"C'mon Ambien! I'll give up the actual good time being had, as long as I can have a precious memory of it! Please! I'm on my knees for you Ambien, AKA Zolpidem Tartrate.
Ha Ha. What a stupid name. I was kind of expecting Luciferous phosphate or maybe Beelzebubromim."
"Either way, give me my memories. Where are you keeping them? I can't stand not knowing whether I made that ravioli and ate it, or did my wife eat it before she left yesterday. I need to know if I picked the house up after my wife asked me to, or did she come home, find it in disarray and angrily clean it herself? Did I watch Keith Olberman last night or do I have to watch the TiVo today? Tell me Ambien!
This is futile! You're getting the garbage disposal. (Gasps from crowd) Yes, I know, it's been 666 years since we have utilized the garbage disposal, but this memory snatcher deserves it"
"Any last words Zolpidem?"
"vell, vhy vould I spik? I vill not vemember it in a moment anyvay."
"Noooo! It is
I who have become a memory snatcher by means of savagery. I grant you a pardon Zolpi."
"But whatever will you do, master?"
" I don't know. I'm rather tired after all that. Guess I'll just take an Ambien."
.
