I looked out the window
at the pouring rain.
"Boy it's raining cats and dogs out there."
I said.
Then I realized that
it wasn't really raining
cats and dogs,
it was just water,
and I felt really guilty
for lying.

Patrick's Bumper Sticker Paradox

Suppose one Cretan says to another Cretan, "All Cretans are liars." A paradox is created, for if all Cretans are in fact liars, what he says is true, which would make him not a liar. If he is lying, that means Cretans are not liars, but this is negated by the fact that he is lying.

Now, suppose you are sitting in traffic behind an '87 Buick. Suppose on this Buick there is a bumper sticker, and suppose this bumper sticker reads 'YOU ARE AN IDIOT' in bold, red letters. Once again, we have a paradox. Only an idiot would slap a bumper sticker like that on his car. Because he is an idiot, what he chooses to display on his jalopy should be ignored by people like me, who are not idiots. This is what is referred to as Patrick's Bumper Sticker Paradox.

Loophole

I found this while blog surfing and couldn't help but post it HERE.

This is when I say I will never eat McDonalds food again. Then I actually refrain from eating it for about 2 weeks. Then I take my sons there and order them both Big Macs.

"What? You guys don't like Big Macs? Grrrr! I guess I have to eat both of them and shovel the remaining lettuce in my mouth and lick the cheese off the box. Why aren't you drinking your Super Sized Dr. Pepper? Fine, I suppose I'll drink that too."

Kids are so picky these days.

You know what I love about Sarah Palin? Unlike other politicians, she knows what she's talking about and she doesn't repeat herself over and over...and over. VP material for sure.

Not So Jolly Now

It was a dry, scorching day in Al Anbar, Iraq. We had been tasked to hold a blocking position on a busy road in east Fallujah. Another unit was conducting a day long raid and we were to prevent any insurgents from entering or exiting the area. Sounds exciting, right? That's what I thought too, until the seventh hour of not seeing a single moving vehicle - insurgent filled or otherwise. I did, however, unwillingly shoulder another daunting task; fending off annoying Arab kids.
They came in scores, babbling shattered English with their hands in the air, screaming, "I lob you meester. O zey khan you see!" and asking to trade ridiculous items like bowls and sticks for laptops and rifles. It was tolerable for a little less than 12 minutes. Then, as the crowd of smelly, brown adolescents grew to mob standards, my teammate and I decided to launch our own mission; Operation Jolly Rancher.
It started by simply loading Jolly Ranchers ( 5 pound bags were issued to our team by the corpsman to maintain blood sugar levels) into our slingshots (issued to us by our unit for warding off wild dogs) and launching them as far as possible. The intention was to get 100+ kids to sprint 120 yards to find a single Jolly Rancher buried amongst the trash and debris of the breathtaking cityscape. It didn't work.
The crowd was growing and we needed to think of something quick. I looked down to see a tall Iraqi boy holding up a pencil.
"Meester, meester, give me money Amerikhan, I give you peeyencil." He wriggled through the crowd as though his idea trumped their persistent yelling, begging and bowl-bartering. His eyes were fixed on me. I watched him carefully as he pushed closer to the vehicle. I was amazed at his confidence and faith in the practical value of his pencil. Just as he opened his mouth to pitch his deal once again, a super sonic, grape Jolly Rancher whizzed through the air and impacted with a fleshy slap just below his left eye. I turned to see my teammate, Paris, standing on the hood of the vehicle, freshly fired slingshot still in hand.
"All right you little pricks!" he yelled. "Who's next?" He loaded another Jolly Rancher. "Watermelon this time, assholes."
We split the bag. He took the right side of the truck, I took the left, and together we unleashed assorted flavors of pain and carnage. It was like a parade gone horribly wrong. Within one minute, the road was just as void of pesky kids as it was of terrorist filled getaway cars. I felt kind of bad, still do. Kind of. But we did what we had to do. All is fair in love and war.

SPAM haikus 2

I found a genie
and wished for a can of SPAM.
I don't regret it.

Sometimes, late at night
I wake up in a cold sweat
reaching for your SPAM.

Because it's THE LAW! 2

The more I read, the better it gets. Gotta love that old testament.

Deuteronomy 22.8 When you build a new house, be sure to put a railing around the edge of the roof. Then you will not be responsible if someone falls off and is killed.

Deuteronomy 23.1 No man who has been castrated or whose penis has been cut off may be included among the Lord's people.


Deuteronomy 21.10-14 When the Lord your God gives you victory in battle and you take prisoners, you may see among them a beautiful woman that you like and want to marry. Take her to your home, where she will shave her head, cut her fingernails, and change her clothes. She is to stay in your home and mourn for her parents for a month; after that, you may marry her. Later, if you no longer want her, you are to let her go free. Since you forced her to have intercourse with you, you cannot treat her as a slave and sell her.

Deuteronomy 21.18-21 Suppose someone has a son who is stubborn and rebellious, a son who will not obey his parents, even though they punish him. His parents are to take him before the leaders of the town where he lives and make him stand trial. They are to say to them, "Our son is stubborn and rebellious and refuses to obey us; he wastes money and is a drunkard." Then the men of the city are to stone him to death, and so you will get rid of this evil. Everyone in Israel will hear what has happened and will be afraid.


Deuteronomy 22.28 Suppose a man is caught raping a young woman who is not engaged. He is to pay her father the bride price of fifty pieces of silver, and she is to become his wife, because he forced her to have intercourse with him. He can never divorce her for as long as he lives.