"There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president." — Kurt Vonnegut

SPAM haikus 3

Thank you, servicemen,
for giving me the freedom
to eat SPAM all day.

If SPAM grew on trees,
I would change my profession
to an orchardist.

When I eat some SPAM,
I'm overwhelmed with pleasure,
but not the sex kind.

Try the SPAM diet.
You may, or may not lose weight,
but hey, guilt free SPAM!

Oh, by the way God, your reputation is on the line

Russian Rambo

A heavily armed recluse nicknamed Russia's Rambo of the Forest has been gunned down in a shoot-out with police.
Alexander Bichkov, had lived a semi-feral existence in the woods for 20 years, terrorising locals and the police if they ventured near him.
A giant at 6ft 7in with a wild straggly beard, the man lived in an old shack and self-made camps, hunted animals for food and only ventured out of the forest in summer when he wouldn't leave footprints leading back to where he lived.
Russian police said he descended from a family of criminals who were exiled by Stalin to the Kostroma region 450 miles east of Moscow, in the 1940s.
At the end of Soviet times nearly 20 years ago he disappeared from his home in a village in the region after refusing a court order to pay alimony to his ex-wife following an acrimonious divorce.
He was declared dead by his family in 1997 because he had been missing for so long.
But now it is known the former forestry worker had fled into the dense Kologriv woods near his village, which were designated as a nature reserve a few years ago.
Terrified local police refused to go into the woods to hunt him down ever since he captured a local commander while out hunting and held him at gunpoint for hours before freeing him and then disappearing into the trees.
Even after he burned down 30 holiday homes in the area belonging to rich Muscovites, police refused to pursue the man they dubbed "Rambo", after the popular action-film hero played by Sylvester Stallone, who was skilled in weaponry and survival.
They did not know - until killing him on March 14 - his true identity, which was obtained from documents they found and through checks with his family.
He was finally shot after the head of the Department of Natural Reserves in Moscow, angered by the inaction of local police, ordered a surveillance operation on him.
After finding out where he lived, six specialist policemen - including Afghan war veterans - from outside the local police and four armed Park rangers went into the forest on snowmobiles to hunt him down and try to arrest him.
Locals nicknamed Bichov Rambo after he became a recluse and terrorised locals like the fictional character played by Sylvester Stallone
But the hermit, who carried two shotguns and a home-made pistol, ambushed them and wounded two.
He then set alight a swathe of forest as a diversion, tracked behind the men and was apparently preparing to start firing on them again.
But a police sniper managed to shoot him in the head, killing him instantly.
One of the policemen, Andrei Potemkin, said: "He ambushed us and I told him to surrender and that we wouldn't hurt him.
"He yelled 'I've nothing to lose' and opened fire.
"He hit two of the others and fired at me. My bullet-proof vest saved my life. He then set his place on fire, and everything was covered with smoke.
"He's a real professional. While we were helping the wounded, he made a circle around us, hiding in the smoke, and cut us off.
"It was pure chance the sniper suddenly saw his figure in the trees and pulled the trigger. He shot him right in the head and he died in a flash."
Police later found in his semi-destroyed lair more weapons, dozens of furs, hundreds of traps and books about hunting and survival.
Locals told of their relief that the man who had haunted the region for so long was dead.
Maria Muzhalova said: "Parents would not let their children go to school without dogs going with them.
"He would steal boots from outside people's homes and steal potatoes from the fields. If you came across him in the summer, he was way too scary-looking to confront him."
Director of the Kologriv nature reserve, Maxim Sinitzin said; "We were all sick and tired of him. He kept leaving traps for animals everywhere.
"We'd break them and he'd make more. Once he trapped three of our inspectors and told them he'd kill them if he ever saw them in the woods again."
Police said that the man used to be a forestry worker.
After his wife left him and the court order against him, he turned into a recluse, cutting himself off from society.
He lived at an abandoned forestry station, miles from the nearest village.
Police sources said: "At the time the forest had not been designated as a nature reserve so no one bothered him for years.
"Then his parents died and his sister and her husband had him declared legally dead - as they had not seen him for so long - and sold his house.
"We think this may have enraged him, making him angry at anybody who moved into the region to build a house, so much that he would burn down their homes because he had none of his own."
When the forest was later made into a nature reserve, hunting was banned, leading to violent clashes between Bichkov and park rangers who would remove his traps, police said.
"He felt he was the king of the forest," one said.
"He had his house, a shed, and his hunting traps. When we went after him he fought to the end. "It was all he had left. He had nowhere to go."

This Chain Email thing is out of control!!!

Experts agree that the 9/11 attack plan called for 5 terrorists on each of the 4 planes used in the attacks. It was discovered that there were only 4 terrorists on flight 93 which went down in Shanksville, Pennsylvania. It had been posited that the 20th hijacker was a neer-do-well in Minnesota who failed to secure the necessary flight training.

Sources close to the McCain campaign have stated that there is reason to believe that Senator Obama was supposed to be the 20th hijacker.

There were a number of individuals who had purchased tickets for flight 93, but did not board the flight. Among the list is the name of an individual who was to connect with flight 93 from Chicago. The person in question's name was B.H. O'Hara. Mr. O'Hara apparently missed his flight which departed Chicago.

McCain staffers have pointed out the lack of evidence that Barack Obama did not use the alias "O'Hara" to purchase the flight tickets. They cite the identical vowels in the two surnames as being more than mere coincidence.

McCain staffers went on to say that there is also no evidence that would prove that Obama has not secretly and anonymously secured flight training.

It was also pointed out that Obama's father lived in Africa which is the same continent where al Qaeda bombed US embassies, and where Somalia is located.

The McCain campaign is currently crafting a TV spot which will focus on the astonishing lack of evidence that Obama was not supposed to be the 20th hijacker.

Magnus Magnusson interviewed Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking in 1988.

Do you think God can intervene in the universe as he wants? Or is God, too, bound by the laws of science?

Your question of whether God is bound by the laws of science is a bit like the question 'can God make a stone so that is so heavy he cannot lift it?' I dont think it is very useful to speculate on what God might or might not be able to do, rather we should examine what he actually does with the universe we live in. All our observation suggests that it operates according to well defined laws. These laws may have been ordained by God, but it seems that he does not intervene in the universe to break the laws.

My Interview with a Politician

Hello Mr. Politician. Thanks for joining us.

No, thank you for taking the time to interview me today and let the great American people get to know me. Rarely are we granted the opportunity to interact with each other in a non-partisan way and I appreciate the chance to do so. That's what makes this country a great nation - one worth fighting for - and that is exactly what I intend to do. Fight for you.

You know, I've been watching the debates lately and I gotta tell ya, I've not been impressed. Why so much question dodging and him-hawing around?

You know, I get a lot of people asking me the same question you just asked, and, let's be clear, I know its difficult with today's economy, to make it. The steel worker in Pittsburgh is feeling it, the teacher in Montana is struggling and the single mother in Utah is under a lot of pressure to make some vital decisions for her family. I'm not blind to these things, and you have to decide, do you want four more years of the same or do you want to put country first?

But you never answered my... nevermind. Let's move on. How do you feel about the conflict in Iraq? If you are elected, what's the next step?

Lets be clear because the American people want straight talk. America has been tested before. This country has been through a lot, and our brave military men and women have sacrificed everything for democracy, for freedom, for what is right. So, if the pundits want to say pass or fail, that's fine, I say one thing; God bless this wonderful country, and if you elect me, I'll make sure that happens.

Make sure what happens, Mr. Politician?

I'll make sure big oil is taxed, and I mean big time. I'll cut taxes until no one pays taxes on anything, ever. I will eliminate greed in all people across the globe and change Washington from the inside out. I will implement the best plan in Iraq and Afghanistan and at the same time I will sit down with all the terrorists at one time and just talk. Talk, talk, talk, until everything is worked out. Oh, also I'll completely stop global warming. By myself.

Those are some big promises, Mr. Politician. Are you sure you are going to fulfil your obligation to keep these promises?


I promise I will. You can take that to the bank, unless, of course, you bank with Washington Mutual. (Laughs) But no, really. I dream big. And I walk the walk, unlike the other guy. They talk the talk. They say they walk the walk, but they voted 43 times against walk walking. 43 times! So how is voting against walk walking helping out the American people? How is voting 19 times against paying troops in Iraq being patriotic? How is voting for evil and tyranny 9 times being patriotic? I sure don't know, but I do know one thing. I love this country.

To be honest Mr. Politician, I don't know what you just said. Can you clarify?

God Bless America and most importantly, may God bless the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan and anywhere else there are Americans who can vote. (Gives thumbs up)