Loophole

I found this while blog surfing and couldn't help but post it HERE.

This is when I say I will never eat McDonalds food again. Then I actually refrain from eating it for about 2 weeks. Then I take my sons there and order them both Big Macs.

"What? You guys don't like Big Macs? Grrrr! I guess I have to eat both of them and shovel the remaining lettuce in my mouth and lick the cheese off the box. Why aren't you drinking your Super Sized Dr. Pepper? Fine, I suppose I'll drink that too."

Kids are so picky these days.

You know what I love about Sarah Palin? Unlike other politicians, she knows what she's talking about and she doesn't repeat herself over and over...and over. VP material for sure.

Not So Jolly Now

It was a dry, scorching day in Al Anbar, Iraq. We had been tasked to hold a blocking position on a busy road in east Fallujah. Another unit was conducting a day long raid and we were to prevent any insurgents from entering or exiting the area. Sounds exciting, right? That's what I thought too, until the seventh hour of not seeing a single moving vehicle - insurgent filled or otherwise. I did, however, unwillingly shoulder another daunting task; fending off annoying Arab kids.
They came in scores, babbling shattered English with their hands in the air, screaming, "I lob you meester. O zey khan you see!" and asking to trade ridiculous items like bowls and sticks for laptops and rifles. It was tolerable for a little less than 12 minutes. Then, as the crowd of smelly, brown adolescents grew to mob standards, my teammate and I decided to launch our own mission; Operation Jolly Rancher.
It started by simply loading Jolly Ranchers ( 5 pound bags were issued to our team by the corpsman to maintain blood sugar levels) into our slingshots (issued to us by our unit for warding off wild dogs) and launching them as far as possible. The intention was to get 100+ kids to sprint 120 yards to find a single Jolly Rancher buried amongst the trash and debris of the breathtaking cityscape. It didn't work.
The crowd was growing and we needed to think of something quick. I looked down to see a tall Iraqi boy holding up a pencil.
"Meester, meester, give me money Amerikhan, I give you peeyencil." He wriggled through the crowd as though his idea trumped their persistent yelling, begging and bowl-bartering. His eyes were fixed on me. I watched him carefully as he pushed closer to the vehicle. I was amazed at his confidence and faith in the practical value of his pencil. Just as he opened his mouth to pitch his deal once again, a super sonic, grape Jolly Rancher whizzed through the air and impacted with a fleshy slap just below his left eye. I turned to see my teammate, Paris, standing on the hood of the vehicle, freshly fired slingshot still in hand.
"All right you little pricks!" he yelled. "Who's next?" He loaded another Jolly Rancher. "Watermelon this time, assholes."
We split the bag. He took the right side of the truck, I took the left, and together we unleashed assorted flavors of pain and carnage. It was like a parade gone horribly wrong. Within one minute, the road was just as void of pesky kids as it was of terrorist filled getaway cars. I felt kind of bad, still do. Kind of. But we did what we had to do. All is fair in love and war.

SPAM haikus 2

I found a genie
and wished for a can of SPAM.
I don't regret it.

Sometimes, late at night
I wake up in a cold sweat
reaching for your SPAM.

Because it's THE LAW! 2

The more I read, the better it gets. Gotta love that old testament.

Deuteronomy 22.8 When you build a new house, be sure to put a railing around the edge of the roof. Then you will not be responsible if someone falls off and is killed.

Deuteronomy 23.1 No man who has been castrated or whose penis has been cut off may be included among the Lord's people.


Deuteronomy 21.10-14 When the Lord your God gives you victory in battle and you take prisoners, you may see among them a beautiful woman that you like and want to marry. Take her to your home, where she will shave her head, cut her fingernails, and change her clothes. She is to stay in your home and mourn for her parents for a month; after that, you may marry her. Later, if you no longer want her, you are to let her go free. Since you forced her to have intercourse with you, you cannot treat her as a slave and sell her.

Deuteronomy 21.18-21 Suppose someone has a son who is stubborn and rebellious, a son who will not obey his parents, even though they punish him. His parents are to take him before the leaders of the town where he lives and make him stand trial. They are to say to them, "Our son is stubborn and rebellious and refuses to obey us; he wastes money and is a drunkard." Then the men of the city are to stone him to death, and so you will get rid of this evil. Everyone in Israel will hear what has happened and will be afraid.


Deuteronomy 22.28 Suppose a man is caught raping a young woman who is not engaged. He is to pay her father the bride price of fifty pieces of silver, and she is to become his wife, because he forced her to have intercourse with him. He can never divorce her for as long as he lives.

because it's THE LAW!

Leviticus is such a fun book to read. So many specific rules, and covering a plethora of topics too!

Leviticus 15.2,3 When any man has a discharge from his penis, the discharge is unclean, whether the penis runs with it, or is stopped by it.


-Leviticus 11.1-8 You may eat any land animal that has divided hoofs and that also chews the cud, but you must not eat camels, rock badgers, or rabbits. These must be considered unclean for they chew the cud but do not have divided hoofs. Do not eat pigs. They must be considered unclean for they have divided hoofs but do not chew the cud.

-Leviticus 11.9-12 You may eat any kind of fish that has fins and scales, but anything living in the water that does not have fins and scales must not be eaten. You must not eat them or even touch their dead bodies. You must not eat anything that lives in the water and does not have fins and scales.

Leviticus 11.13-19 You must not eat any of the following birds: eagles, owls, hawks, falcons, buzzards, vultures, crows, ostriches, seagulls, storks, herons, pelicans, cormorants, hoopoes, or bats.

Leviticus 11.20,21 All winged insects are unclean, except those that hop.


Leviticus 15.16 When a man has an emission of semen, he must bathe his whole body and remains unclean until evening.

Leviticus 15.19 When a woman has her monthly period, she remains unclean for seven days. Anyone who touches her will remain unclean until evening.

And my favorite Deuteronomy verses;
Deuteronomy 25.7-10 But if the dead man's brother does not want to marry her, she is to go before the town leaders and say "My husband's brother will not do his duty; he refuses to give his brother a descendant among the people of of Israel." Then the town leaders are to summon him and speak to him. If he still refuses to marry his brother's widow, she is to go up to him in the presence of the town leaders, take off one of his sandals, spit in his face and say "This is what happens to the man who refuses to give his brother a descendant." His family will be known in Israel as 'the family of the man who had his sandal pulled off.'

Deuteronomy 25.11-12 If two men are having a fight and the wife of one tries to help her husband by grabbing hold of the other man's genitals, show no mercy; cut off her hand.

SPAM haikus 1

I found this website dedicated to Spam Haikus. I was disappointed to see they have stopped taking submissions so, of course, I turned to the trusty blog.


If SPAM was a sport
I believe that it would be
sweeter than curling.

I wish they would call
all unwanted junk email
VIENNA SAUSAGE.

SPAM is good with eggs
oh wait, who am I kidding?
SPAM is just plain good.

If SPAM was a bird
its feathers would be bright, and
it would mate for life.