Patrick's Bumper Sticker Paradox

Suppose one Cretan says to another Cretan, "All Cretans are liars." A paradox is created, for if all Cretans are in fact liars, what he says is true, which would make him not a liar. If he is lying, that means Cretans are not liars, but this is negated by the fact that he is lying.

Now, suppose you are sitting in traffic behind an '87 Buick. Suppose on this Buick there is a bumper sticker, and suppose this bumper sticker reads 'YOU ARE AN IDIOT' in bold, red letters. Once again, we have a paradox. Only an idiot would slap a bumper sticker like that on his car. Because he is an idiot, what he chooses to display on his jalopy should be ignored by people like me, who are not idiots. This is what is referred to as Patrick's Bumper Sticker Paradox.

Math, God and Doughnuts

If I have an object which humans refer to as a doughnut and I place it next to a similiar object which humans refer to as a doughnut, then I have objects (plural) which humans refer to as doughnuts (plural). Thats all. We could leave it at that. No matter how many objects which humans refer to as doughnuts are involved, there are still just doughnuts (plural). But humans, being the evolved, higher level thinking creatures we are, took it one step further. "Let's label and organize." we said, like a new girlfriend says of a precious record collection after three days of living in your dingy apartment. "Let's say if you have this many, it is called ONE. If there is another doughnut involved, lets call it TWO." And it went like this, until it spiraled out of control, eventually expanding into a ridiculously complex concept of infinite possibilities.
But math only exists in the mind. There are never TWO doughnuts or SEVEN doughnuts, or X doughnuts + doughnuts squared - doughnuts divided by doughnuts. There is simply flour and water and a little yeast, formed into a shape similiar to the moon with a hole in the center (names of shapes are man made too, so I can't say CIRCLE)
and some starches and a whole bunch of oil. There are SOME doughnuts. Simply put, numbers have been assigned for our convenience.
But here's what boggles my mind. This system we have created which is math,as fake as it is, simply works. It is the only man made concept which has been proven to work every single time, in any combination, for anyone who applies it correctly (which unfortunately discludes me). If you don't believe me, try to make 2+2 equal anything other than 4. Why couldn't we get Pythagoras or Newton to come up with a health care plan while he was at it? Maybe some foreign policy? If anything, anything, anything, worked with the consistency of math, we would second guess it as actually being man made.
So for as much as I hate math, I am also in awe of math. I respect math. It teeters on the edge of being God-esque. It is omnipresent, omniscient, infinite, intangible, and ironically enough, also man made...like doughnuts.

Nationalism and Vietnamese Cashews: An Interview with Today's Marine

He smirked when I asked him for an interview. I might have interpreted it as a smirk of arrogance had I not known him better, but I understood there was an element of appreciation involved and I believe he knew exactly why I chose him.
He kicked back in his chair, turned his cell phone off and opened a can of cashews, anxious to get started. He had the appearance of a cliched marine; tattooed arms, hair cut high and tight, and even as he reclined, his stature was that of an alpha male, ready to take charge of even this interview if needed. But these aren't the qualities I cherish in him, for there are more marines that fit this description than don't. I chose him because, despite his appearance, he isn't a jar head. He speaks with compassion, eloquence and disregard for social norms (and a few expletives thrown in here and there).
I readied the tape recorder and waited for him to chew his mouth full of nuts. With a fluid flip of the wrist, he packed his can of Skoal and eyed me with anticipation. "Well," he said, "let's kick this shit off."
What made you decide to join the Marine Corps?
I always wanted to be a marine, since I was a child. I joined to help cultivate my ideas and concepts of the world by, well, going to war. That's sick, but that's why I did it. I thought it would influence my artwork too, but it's kind of ironic that I don't even do art anymore. I don't think anymore, I can't speak anymore, I just do what I'm supposed to do, and I'm satisfied with that.
You've just returned from Iraq-how do you think the media is doing at accurately portraying the truth on this ever changing conflict?
The media is made for sensationalism. They aren't going to show the truth because the truth doesn't always sell. They are going to report on what gets the most ratings. They don't show us getting the locals their irrigation systems back, or the city sanitation programs we created. They won't show that shit.
Are the Iraqis ready to take over and do this thing themselves?
The lower echelon, where the boot hits the pavement, is not that bad. Some of those guys are shit hot, I mean, they suck, but all in all they aren't that bad. Now, the officers however, are horrible. There was an incident where we found out a lieutenant was holding water and not giving it out to the troops and he would cut their rations in half and hoard them for himself. There's a lot of corruption and shit, and I think if there was one bad, coordinated attack by Al Qaeda-or whoever the flavor of the week is now- they could easily decimate a company of the Iraqis.
How concerned are the American troops for the rebuilding mission in Iraq and the well being of the Iraqi people?
It's all about the individual. After being in a bad firefight or hearing about your buddy getting killed, you don't give a fuck about them. You lose all your motivation and you're like 'fuck everybody. Fuck the Iraqi Army, fuck the Iraqi people, I don't give a shit about this mission.' I think the new guys that are fresh into the country care, but they eventually end up not giving a shit either. The officers want peace in Iraq and to appease the population, but the problem is that the officers aren't the ones watching their buddy get their head split in half. They don't have to be worried about IEDs, snipers, booby trapped doors or some shit head hiding behind a pile of clothes with an AK. They're worried about policies.
With approval ratings for Bush at an all time low, how do you separate what you are tasked to do from what the American people are unhappy about? Do you ever feel like their discontent is directed your way?
Listen, I know, in this war, we aren't fighting for freedom. We are fighting for corporations. I don't separate their discontent from my job. Take this can of cashews for example. They were bought from wal-mart-the global symbol of Americana, but look here...they're from Vietnam. Had thousands of troops not died in Vietnam, maybe we wouldn't be eating these cashews right now. I'm not fighting for freedom, I'm not that naive, I'm fighting for god damned cashews.
What news channel do you watch?
I prefer PBS because they try to be unbiased, but I end up watching whatever they show in the chow hall, which is mostly FOX NEWS. So yes, I watch FOX NEWS. After all, I am a right wing, republican, neo-conservative, goose stepping, neanderthal that fights for oil.
Is there any one dominant memory of your time in the Marine Corps?
When I busted my cherry. My first fire fight. I had just gotten into country-it was my first day there- and within forty-five minutes we were under fire. This was my first foot patrol...ever. I could hear the rounds going over our head and all I could think was 'Oh my God, these faggots are trying to kill us.'
Do you think the American people truly support what you do?
The American population has the attention span of about two hours, just long enough to watch a movie. They watch Saving Private Ryan and they see a beginning and an end and the war's over and every one's happy. A few people die but it's all good. But with this conflict, they're not seeing a conclusion so they're getting bored and frustrated. When we first invaded Iraq, everyone was pro-nationalism, every single house had a flag or ribbon in front of it. It was all 'fuck Arabs or whoever the enemy is' but they realize now, there is no quick resolve. I think the reason most people support the troops is because it's taboo not to. I don't really know, or give a shit if people respect us or not. It doesn't reflect on our paycheck and you still get your cashews.
Are we ever going to establish true democracy in Iraq?
Their religion comes first. Before their family, before their career, and definitely before the government. As long as they feel that they are defending their religion, the government will always be on the back burner.

Math, Math, Math

I recently learned that there are quite a few primitave tribal peoples across the globe who only use the numbers one through four. To them, every mathematical measurement beyond that is considered unnecessary and excessive. I often day dream (usually while my college algebra professor is lecturing about imaginary numbers or cubed roots) about how magnificent life would be without the antagonistic, omnipresent demon we know as math. I can imagine it now; students in first grade, maybe kindergarten, covering a three or four day section on math which would consist of the numbers 1-4, how to write them, how to say them, what chronological order they belong in, and then move on. A bit of reiteration would be needed annually,of course, but after the fourth grade I'm certain most students would catch on.
The human race would undoubtedly miss out on many opportunities which advanced math skills makes possible, however, (i.e. a monetary system, any construction abilities beyond the fabrication of grass huts, any industrial capabilities beyond chipping flint for spearheads, et cetera) but oh what a small price to pay for the emancipation from the the slavery of mathematics. no times tables (beyond 2x2), no algebra, no calculus, no trigonometry, and most importantly, no statistics. I personally would opt for a grass hut, a livestock trading system in place of the dollar, and a donkey instead of a Pontiac if I could only forget about those math credits needed to graduate.
A man can dream, can't he?