It's worse than I thought

DailyKos.com contracted the pollster Research 2000 to pull together a random survey of self-identified Republicans and test the prevalence of some of the stranger ideas floating around.

The answer, sadly, is that these ideas are very prevalent.

Putting Ann in her place.

If you are anything like me (a level-headed, hard working, God fearing, democracy loving American), then every time you see Ann Coulter on Fox News (which would only be in passing or while you're on the treadmill at the gym because if you are like me (which you already agreed to being) you would have Fox News blocked from your home television) you would say to yourself, "Man, I would really like to wipe my ass with her stupid, skeletor face." Well, I am happy to announce that it is now possible.






It's from Canada, which makes it great, and it's toilet paper with Ann Coulter's face which makes it even greater.

I wish I could be tea bagged.

There's a whole lot of information out there. And when I say there's a whole lot of information out there, I mean there's a whole lot of liberal information out there. We need some level headed conservatives to sort through the B.S. and bring us the truth. Like the tea baggers! Their truth based protests expose the corrupt ways of the government and shine light on our wicked path to evil. Thank you tea baggers for being so informed (or shall I say infromed), for being so educated and most importantly, being so wise. (I'm sure the spelling errors were simple mistakes.)

For all the O'Reilly Fans

I just found this beautiful clip, thought I'd share. Thanks Kimba.

NO MORE!

The GOP is finally dead.
Let’s lift our hands in praise
and set our minds on future times
filled with better days.

They tried to tear this country down
with God and fear and war,
but on this day we make a stand
and boldly say “NO MORE!”

“No More!” to secret agencies
infringing on our rights.
“No More!” to Texas oil men
picking global fights.

“No More!” to aristocracy
dining off our dime.
“No More!” to intel cover-ups
and blatant Wall Street crime.

“No More!” to bible politics
and Evangelic rule.
“No More!” No Child Left Behind
and underfunded schools.

So stand with us and say “No More!”
to Bush and all the rest,
and let’s lead Lady Liberty
to the bright and shining left.

Process of Elimination

The following conversation took place on November 4th, 2008.

Matt (while walking through my front door)- Well, it's done.

Patrick- What's done?

M - I voted.

P - Sweet. Were the lines long?

M - No. It went pretty smoothly.

P - Nice.

M - I voted for myself.

P - What?

M - I voted for myself.

P - You mean you wrote your name in?

M - Yeah.

P - Why?

M - Why not? I wasn't about to vote for any of those assholes.

"There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president." — Kurt Vonnegut

Oh, by the way God, your reputation is on the line

This Chain Email thing is out of control!!!

Experts agree that the 9/11 attack plan called for 5 terrorists on each of the 4 planes used in the attacks. It was discovered that there were only 4 terrorists on flight 93 which went down in Shanksville, Pennsylvania. It had been posited that the 20th hijacker was a neer-do-well in Minnesota who failed to secure the necessary flight training.

Sources close to the McCain campaign have stated that there is reason to believe that Senator Obama was supposed to be the 20th hijacker.

There were a number of individuals who had purchased tickets for flight 93, but did not board the flight. Among the list is the name of an individual who was to connect with flight 93 from Chicago. The person in question's name was B.H. O'Hara. Mr. O'Hara apparently missed his flight which departed Chicago.

McCain staffers have pointed out the lack of evidence that Barack Obama did not use the alias "O'Hara" to purchase the flight tickets. They cite the identical vowels in the two surnames as being more than mere coincidence.

McCain staffers went on to say that there is also no evidence that would prove that Obama has not secretly and anonymously secured flight training.

It was also pointed out that Obama's father lived in Africa which is the same continent where al Qaeda bombed US embassies, and where Somalia is located.

The McCain campaign is currently crafting a TV spot which will focus on the astonishing lack of evidence that Obama was not supposed to be the 20th hijacker.

My Interview with a Politician

Hello Mr. Politician. Thanks for joining us.

No, thank you for taking the time to interview me today and let the great American people get to know me. Rarely are we granted the opportunity to interact with each other in a non-partisan way and I appreciate the chance to do so. That's what makes this country a great nation - one worth fighting for - and that is exactly what I intend to do. Fight for you.

You know, I've been watching the debates lately and I gotta tell ya, I've not been impressed. Why so much question dodging and him-hawing around?

You know, I get a lot of people asking me the same question you just asked, and, let's be clear, I know its difficult with today's economy, to make it. The steel worker in Pittsburgh is feeling it, the teacher in Montana is struggling and the single mother in Utah is under a lot of pressure to make some vital decisions for her family. I'm not blind to these things, and you have to decide, do you want four more years of the same or do you want to put country first?

But you never answered my... nevermind. Let's move on. How do you feel about the conflict in Iraq? If you are elected, what's the next step?

Lets be clear because the American people want straight talk. America has been tested before. This country has been through a lot, and our brave military men and women have sacrificed everything for democracy, for freedom, for what is right. So, if the pundits want to say pass or fail, that's fine, I say one thing; God bless this wonderful country, and if you elect me, I'll make sure that happens.

Make sure what happens, Mr. Politician?

I'll make sure big oil is taxed, and I mean big time. I'll cut taxes until no one pays taxes on anything, ever. I will eliminate greed in all people across the globe and change Washington from the inside out. I will implement the best plan in Iraq and Afghanistan and at the same time I will sit down with all the terrorists at one time and just talk. Talk, talk, talk, until everything is worked out. Oh, also I'll completely stop global warming. By myself.

Those are some big promises, Mr. Politician. Are you sure you are going to fulfil your obligation to keep these promises?


I promise I will. You can take that to the bank, unless, of course, you bank with Washington Mutual. (Laughs) But no, really. I dream big. And I walk the walk, unlike the other guy. They talk the talk. They say they walk the walk, but they voted 43 times against walk walking. 43 times! So how is voting against walk walking helping out the American people? How is voting 19 times against paying troops in Iraq being patriotic? How is voting for evil and tyranny 9 times being patriotic? I sure don't know, but I do know one thing. I love this country.

To be honest Mr. Politician, I don't know what you just said. Can you clarify?

God Bless America and most importantly, may God bless the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan and anywhere else there are Americans who can vote. (Gives thumbs up)

You know what I love about Sarah Palin? Unlike other politicians, she knows what she's talking about and she doesn't repeat herself over and over...and over. VP material for sure.

I try to avoid Piggly Wiggly as much as possible. The prices aren't any lower, and unless you're looking for pickled pigs' feet or cow pancreas, they don't have anything Food Lion doesn't. It smells like a basement and the floors are polished eight times a day to give it that sterile, capitol hill feel. However, Piggly Wiggly is always good for one thing. Great eavesdropping. For some reason (I'll spare you my personal opinion) the dedicated Piggly Wiggly shoppers seem to have a few less teeth, a few more stains on their tank tops, and mustaches. Lord, I hate mustaches.
Yesterday I was perusing the aisles for some emergency lemon jell-o, when I overheard two men talking politics. It was rather one-sided, with the older, grey haired man rambling on about how it don't matter if that Paladin lady was a mayor or whatever, she stands up for what I believe in and after all that Hussein Obama fella' swore in on a Muslim bible or whatever they call it and I aint votin' for some closet Muslim.
First I laughed (inside of course, he weighed a hundred pounds more than me). Then I got downright angry. I realized it is the ignorant voter that will ruin this election. It's the close-mindedness which will drag this country down even further into the cesspool of debt and recession. It will be people like this guy. I believe the above scenario will weed out a lot of stupid voters and save this country.
Think about it. They only get to choose one option.
"Martha! Don't forget, tonight's the free lottery ticket night. Member, jest like they did it a a few years ago? I think it's down at the middle school gymnasium where all the people vote and stuff. We'll take the Ford!"
"Which one? the F-150 or the Ranger?"
"The one with the Piggly Wiggly stickers on the back. I can feel it! We're gonna win big!!!"

Nationalism and Vietnamese Cashews: An Interview with Today's Marine

He smirked when I asked him for an interview. I might have interpreted it as a smirk of arrogance had I not known him better, but I understood there was an element of appreciation involved and I believe he knew exactly why I chose him.
He kicked back in his chair, turned his cell phone off and opened a can of cashews, anxious to get started. He had the appearance of a cliched marine; tattooed arms, hair cut high and tight, and even as he reclined, his stature was that of an alpha male, ready to take charge of even this interview if needed. But these aren't the qualities I cherish in him, for there are more marines that fit this description than don't. I chose him because, despite his appearance, he isn't a jar head. He speaks with compassion, eloquence and disregard for social norms (and a few expletives thrown in here and there).
I readied the tape recorder and waited for him to chew his mouth full of nuts. With a fluid flip of the wrist, he packed his can of Skoal and eyed me with anticipation. "Well," he said, "let's kick this shit off."
What made you decide to join the Marine Corps?
I always wanted to be a marine, since I was a child. I joined to help cultivate my ideas and concepts of the world by, well, going to war. That's sick, but that's why I did it. I thought it would influence my artwork too, but it's kind of ironic that I don't even do art anymore. I don't think anymore, I can't speak anymore, I just do what I'm supposed to do, and I'm satisfied with that.
You've just returned from Iraq-how do you think the media is doing at accurately portraying the truth on this ever changing conflict?
The media is made for sensationalism. They aren't going to show the truth because the truth doesn't always sell. They are going to report on what gets the most ratings. They don't show us getting the locals their irrigation systems back, or the city sanitation programs we created. They won't show that shit.
Are the Iraqis ready to take over and do this thing themselves?
The lower echelon, where the boot hits the pavement, is not that bad. Some of those guys are shit hot, I mean, they suck, but all in all they aren't that bad. Now, the officers however, are horrible. There was an incident where we found out a lieutenant was holding water and not giving it out to the troops and he would cut their rations in half and hoard them for himself. There's a lot of corruption and shit, and I think if there was one bad, coordinated attack by Al Qaeda-or whoever the flavor of the week is now- they could easily decimate a company of the Iraqis.
How concerned are the American troops for the rebuilding mission in Iraq and the well being of the Iraqi people?
It's all about the individual. After being in a bad firefight or hearing about your buddy getting killed, you don't give a fuck about them. You lose all your motivation and you're like 'fuck everybody. Fuck the Iraqi Army, fuck the Iraqi people, I don't give a shit about this mission.' I think the new guys that are fresh into the country care, but they eventually end up not giving a shit either. The officers want peace in Iraq and to appease the population, but the problem is that the officers aren't the ones watching their buddy get their head split in half. They don't have to be worried about IEDs, snipers, booby trapped doors or some shit head hiding behind a pile of clothes with an AK. They're worried about policies.
With approval ratings for Bush at an all time low, how do you separate what you are tasked to do from what the American people are unhappy about? Do you ever feel like their discontent is directed your way?
Listen, I know, in this war, we aren't fighting for freedom. We are fighting for corporations. I don't separate their discontent from my job. Take this can of cashews for example. They were bought from wal-mart-the global symbol of Americana, but look here...they're from Vietnam. Had thousands of troops not died in Vietnam, maybe we wouldn't be eating these cashews right now. I'm not fighting for freedom, I'm not that naive, I'm fighting for god damned cashews.
What news channel do you watch?
I prefer PBS because they try to be unbiased, but I end up watching whatever they show in the chow hall, which is mostly FOX NEWS. So yes, I watch FOX NEWS. After all, I am a right wing, republican, neo-conservative, goose stepping, neanderthal that fights for oil.
Is there any one dominant memory of your time in the Marine Corps?
When I busted my cherry. My first fire fight. I had just gotten into country-it was my first day there- and within forty-five minutes we were under fire. This was my first foot patrol...ever. I could hear the rounds going over our head and all I could think was 'Oh my God, these faggots are trying to kill us.'
Do you think the American people truly support what you do?
The American population has the attention span of about two hours, just long enough to watch a movie. They watch Saving Private Ryan and they see a beginning and an end and the war's over and every one's happy. A few people die but it's all good. But with this conflict, they're not seeing a conclusion so they're getting bored and frustrated. When we first invaded Iraq, everyone was pro-nationalism, every single house had a flag or ribbon in front of it. It was all 'fuck Arabs or whoever the enemy is' but they realize now, there is no quick resolve. I think the reason most people support the troops is because it's taboo not to. I don't really know, or give a shit if people respect us or not. It doesn't reflect on our paycheck and you still get your cashews.
Are we ever going to establish true democracy in Iraq?
Their religion comes first. Before their family, before their career, and definitely before the government. As long as they feel that they are defending their religion, the government will always be on the back burner.

Change We Can Tivo

I'm naive. Until recently I assumed college students were either a) smart or, b) striving to become smarter. My beliefs were recently shattered when, sitting on a bench on my college campus, I heard two middle aged female students discussing the new reality show, "Living Lohan." They talked in excess of 20 minutes about the show, how "skanky" Lindsay and her sister were, and the intricate goings on of Hollywood. I smoked cigarette after cigarette in anticipation for the next round of worthless, yet entertaining conversation. I was in awe. I never knew there was twenty minutes worth of conversation to be had on this topic and the concept itself was alien to me.
I almost lost interest during a lull in conversation, when suddenly, the portly blonde spoke up and asked her friend who she would be voting for in the upcoming election. I froze and tried to predict her answer, yet nothing could prepare me for what spewed out of her crooked mouth.
"Oh, I don't pay attention to that stupid stuff." she said while gathering her books for her next class.
It dawned on me then, that we need to change politics. We need to get people like her involved, and I have the perfect solution.
America's Next Top President.
It's a reality show, in which all candidates from all parties (and I mean all parties, including Libertarian, Green, Socialist and yes, even Republican) live in the same house for the duration of the year preceeding the new presidency. There will be surprise knowledge tests, cleanliness tests, and physical fitness tests. Wives will be interviewed, (hell, lets put them together too) and so will children and friends. Every other week, America will vote and a candidate will be asked to leave. It's brilliant! All classes and age groups will understand each candidate and their political views without even having to pick up a newspaper or put down their bowl of funyuns. We can feed them all the knowledge they need to make an informed decision without taking away their Sudoku time. Who knows, maybe it will even be available on podcast.
_________________

Quitcherbitchin!

Apparently John McCain and Barack Obama have found something they both have in common; being whiney ass babies. Why such the hullabaloo now that the fun poking and supposed degradation is on the cover of a popular SATIRICAL magazine? John McCain didn't have a problem with Hillary Clinton's slandering of Obama by doctoring ads to make his skin darker. Heck, a few months ago, every political candidate was painting mental pictures far worse than that on the cover of The New Yorker, but no two candidates took sides to fight this evil then.
I guess my disgust with this issue is that The New Yorker is a damn good magazine. It targets intellectuals, and in doing so, assumes those who read their magazine would be open minded and intelligent enough to actually understand the message being delivered on the cover, and God forbid, ACTUALLY READ THE ARTICLE, which was supposedly quite flattering on Obama's behalf. With that being said, I believe caution must be used when choosing what cover art to use that best portrays what the issue is about, but I don't think The New Yorker crossed the line here. Moreover, the title of the artwork was "The Politics of Fear", and if that is over your head you should put down the New Yorker and go back to your Maxim-and reconsider running for president.

Something Isn't Right Here.

It's only a matter of time before this turns in to a big conspiracy theory. Yes, the photos were doctored. Yes, it was done horribly. But it wasn't a giant blunder created by some American fat cat to get the public to notice it and accuse Iran of not actually testing missiles. That of course would anger Iran and make them want to show the world their nuclear capabilities in other ways, like launching a Shahab-3 into Israel. Yes, that, of course, would give America a pass into Iranian airspace and eventually pave the way for a ground war, and more oil but...wait a minute, didn't the Iranian aggressors of the U.S Westward Venture ship have strong American accents? Hmmm.