The Easy way to stay Green

I love reading extreme, religious literature. Not just the old testament or those little thumbnail comic books you find in the bathrooms at truck stops or that wacky book o' Mormon either. I mean the fire-and-brimstone-hurling, Revelations-interpreting, baby-Jesus-speaking (seriously, it's in the Koran)stone-your-daughter-to-death-if-she's-not-a-virgin type of religious literature. You know, the kind of stuff that when you read it, you momentarily denounce religion and the western concept of God until you realize that would make you a blasphemer and you get scared of going to hell and immediately repent.
Take, for example, the article in the Jehovah's Witness magazine called The Watchtower which I stole from the hospital waiting room earlier today. The title was "Will the Earth Come to an End?"
After a brief intro discussing America's infatuation with the end of the world, it goes on to list discussion points in an attempt to hypothesize at how God really thinks.
The most intriguing and somewhat baffling point is Does our Planet have an expiration date?
The mysterious, unnamed author uses Ecclesiastes 1:4 to explain. "Generations come and generations go, but the earth remains forever." and Psalm 104:5 which prophetically reads " God founded the earth upon established places and designed it to last to time indefinite, or forever."
So wait, all that talk about the sun incinerating our planet in 7.5 billion years is a hoax? Whoo hoo! Mother earth aint got nothin' to worry about! Let yer hair down mamma!



Wait, wait, wait, hold the phone. What about all this crazy talk about global warming? Does The Watchtower have anything to say about that one?

Ha. Does Miley Cyrus need orthodontic attention and a boob job? Of course it does. It states that there is no way irresponsible humans could spoil the planet beyond recovery because unlike humans, Jehovah is able to do all things and can confidently guarantee that nothing can stop him from carrying out his purpose for the earth. Oh, and it says God made earth specifically to be inhabited (Isaiah 45:18), and since God doesn't make mistakes, that means he made an indestructible earth that can't be harmed by the very creatures he created to inhabit it, right?



Right!Under the bullet point titled Turn to God and Be Saved it says God's good news for us in Matthew 24:14 is his unfailing word that our earth will never come to an end. And it also says that soon, only the righteous will possess the earth and they will find their exquisite delight in the abundance of peace.

Yes! Earth's existence is infinite, and only the righteous will be allowed to live here in delight and an infinite amount of peace. Sounds like Belinda Carlisle had it right all along.

Whoa. Seriously, that makes me totally happier now. All that guilt about my size 17 carbon footprint and all those gallons of oil I dumped into that creek because I didn't want to pay the four dollars for proper disposal...gone! God has a plan for this smoggy planet after all, and it's all good things. And to think, all this time I've been buying recycled material and turning the water off as I brush my teeth when I could have just converted to a Jehovah's Witness!

Eat your heart out, Al Gore!