I recently learned that The Tarheel Opry house here in Jacksonville has an Internet capable jukebox that can download music off of a website for an extra fee. This has HUGE potential. Here's my plan.
1. Wear the tightest jeans I can buy, maybe a flannel shirt and a cowboy hat, (I'm assuming this is what people wear in these places)and walk in the door like I'm the best damned line dancer in Onslow county.
2. Go straight for the jukebox, download Leafhouse by Animal Collective and place it in queue after Garth Brooks and whatever else people two-step to.
3. Go to the bathroom and take off all my clothes, except my zebra-striped boxer briefs I wore under my Wranglers.
4. Cover my body in brilliantly colored paint, with sparkles and swirls and sticky rhinestones. Decorate my face like a panda. Maybe a kitten.
5. Patiently wait for the intro to Leafhouse.
6. When the music starts and people stop dancing to stare at each other in confusion, I bust through the doors with a WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! waving my arms and slapping my thighs in an interpretive dance which resembles the mating rituals of a an ostrich, but better.
7. Dance until the song is over, or a drunk xenophobic redneck spears me into the Coors light display.
That would be amazing.
2 comments:
This may be my favorite yet. And I say that not because I have a substantial disdain for anything southern but because I would like to know what "the mating ritual of an ostrich, but better" looks like. Thanks for making me laugh.
Holy shit dude. I really need to quit reading your blogs at work. People look at me funny when I cry laughing, lost in my XM Radio-billowing headphones, oblivious to the near-silence of the office. I too would like to see what "the mating ritual of an ostrich, but better" looks like. Maybe a future Youtube post?
Hilarious. F-ing hilarious.
Post a Comment