Yahoo! Answers questions - five

How many commandments am I allowed to break?
How many of the ten commandments am I allowed to break before I am not allowed into heaven anymore? Is there a set rule? I think I have broken several of them, am I screwed? I really, really, really want to go to heaven and I am starting to get worried. What can I do (other than repent, I need hard results)? Is it like a grading system? I have broken five commandments, which is like 50%. In my book that is failing! Help!

Best answer- None! if you do you can always get forgiveness!

Victory

twenty minutes
to write a poem.
to find myself
and scribble it
on paper
i search
prod
dig
endure
all in vain
the needle ticks
each second a sliver of
failure
ripening into that
which is my defeat.
i win.

Yahoo! Answers questions - Four

Is my brother a fugitive?
Yesterday my brother called me up and said he had two tickets for a concert and wanted me to go. I initially said no because he always finds a way to get into trouble, but he promised to be good so I agreed to it. We had a few drinks before the show so we could really feel the music, but he continued drinking and got smashed. He did behave himself for the most part and I was proud of him. When the show was over he found me in the crowd and told me he had met a girl and was going to get a ride home with her. I didn't object, so I went home without him and went to bed.
This morning I woke up and found him passed out in the backyard, beaten, bruised, shirtless and handcuffed. I quickly drug him into the house and noticed two puncture wounds on his back, so I think he got the taser. Should he turn himself in? He had no wallet last night so the cops didn't get his ID. No one knew who he was and I know he didn't tell them his name. Anyone know how to get handcuffs off? What should I do?

Best Answer- he is ur bro....take his side. Blood is thicker than water.

My response- I realize blood is thicker than water, though I am having a hard time deciding whether or not it is thicker than cold hard cash. Crime stoppers is anonymous right? I will take his side publicly, but I may have to turn him in. On the other hand, he is a mean mofo.

Yahoo! Answers questions - Three

I'm in love with him, but only when he's a she!I have worked with Rob for about nine months now. He is a normal guy, likes sports, rock music etc. Last week he asked me to go out with him and a few of his friends to Philly. When I showed up at his apartment he sat me down and let me in on a little secret. He was a transvestite. He dressed up and acted like a woman on weekends. At first I was a little freaked out but being the open minded fellow that I am, I learned to accept it... and eventually got very close to Rob's other personality, Roberta. I have no feelings for Rob as a man but when he is Roberta he is soo sexy. He is smart, attractive, fit, elegant and my lord can she dance. We have so much fun together but he doesn't know how I feel. I am not gay and neither is he but I cant stop thinking about Roberta. Its as though they are two different people. Should I tell Rob about it? Should I act on my emotions? I feel so weird. I am a freak huh? Please help. Im so confused.

Best Answer- WTF??

Second Best- I believe that this is like any normal relationship... its as if you like your best friends sister and when Rob is Roberta you should tell her... him?

Yahoo! Answers questions - Two

Daughter or Lover?
Before getting married to my last wife, Regina, I had reservations about her daughter, Chloe. She was 15, attractive, and had quite the little attitude about her. As an older man with no experience with children, I wasn't so sure I could handle her. They both convinced me otherwise and we finally got married. Things between Chloe and me went great. We got along wonderfully, however, I can't say the same about her mom. We fought and fought, and after four long years, we called it quits. The divorce has just been finalized. I tried to move on by seeing other women but something was missing, I longed for something, but I wasn't sure just what.
Yesterday I heard a knock at the door. I opened it up to find Chloe, crying that she missed me. I felt very proud, untill she started talking about how we can be together now that her mom was out of the picture. She tried to kiss me (with tongue) and tonight she wants to spend the night. I don't know what to do. She is very
attractive and totally legal. I cant stop thinking about her and I recently realized that she is what I have been missing all this time. Should I give it a shot?

Best answer-You've more than proved you can handle children, but now you'll have to prove that you can handle a barely legal adult.

Let her spend the night tonight, but remember that she still has feelings for you in a fatherly capacity. In order to have a meaningful and romantic relationship, you will have to destroy any paternal respect she may still feel for you.

If you really love her as a burgeoning sexual creature, you must slip in her room tonight with a ski mask, ball-gag and bull whip, and systematically deconstruct the last remnants of childlike trust and modesty she may be feeling.

By morning, you should have a clean slate (after you mop the floor) to begin your new relationship.

Longest Answer- No. What you are experiencing is 'normal' and what she is experiencing is 'normal' as well. She is far too young to understand that the reason she is attracted to you is because you were the stable guy within her life that gave her a constant love and she returned that love with innocence. What she is missing is the friendship and closeness. Her hormones are making her want to take it to a deeper level...a more sexual level. You need to have more control over the situation and let her know you will always be there for her, but not in that way.

What you are missing is the closeness of a relationship. You are experiencing -- the empty nest. You want her back because you've watched her grow into a young woman and with the divorce you were ultimately left alone in an "empty nest". Try to get back in the game by being more social and maybe joining a few community projects...maybe take a few classes.

If you go to bed with your ex step-daughter there will be trouble. You will ultimately ruin a relationship between a mother and a daughter. You may hate your ex-wife but bedding her daughter is wrong on many different levels. If you feel like the daughter may have too much control over you...masturbate before you see her, which will help keep your parasympathetic nervous system in control. Ultimately it will help you think without being distracted by arousal.

Let her know that it is wrong and if you guys just can't be friends -- you shouldn't see each other. You are the one that needs to take control of the situation

Yahoo! Answers questions - One

I need constant brain stimulation. When I'm bored, I get desperate for anything that will turn my gears and inspire me, and lately, I've been very, very desperate. Until I discovered Yahoo Answers. It's basically a big Q and A forum with an ass load of topics and no policing force to catch delinquent posters.

I will list a few of my questions along with the best answers, and you will all see why I love doing this.

Accidentally squashed neighbors cat.I Need help?
My neighbors and I don't particularly get along. They have had problems with my "free spirited" lifestyle ever since I moved in. We have been in several arguments and they avoid me at all costs. I, personally don't have a problem with them, but keep my distance, knowing their feelings about me.
Last week I had a party in my back yard, we got a little drunk and loud and they called the cops. They were all standing on their front steps as the police officer put me in the car. Out of rage and anger I yelled "I will get you back for this, I swear on my life!!" I didn't mean it at all and I had no intentions on actually doing anything to them.
This morning I got in my car and as I backed out of the driveway, I heard a loud SKREEETCH! It was their beloved pet cat Sammy, she was apparently sleeping in my wheel well.
The cat was pretty tore up and it was quite the ugly sight. I quickly sprayed off my car with a hose and placed the cat on their porch so they could give it a proper
burial. Now they think I did it on purpose! They have been banging on my door all morning, but I wont answer it. What should I do? Please help!

Best answer- Leave em a note and tell 'em next time it'll be one of their kids.
That'll shut em up right quick.

Longest answer- This is just awful...for ALL of you. I'm going to try not to appear as though I'm lecturing you but please, in the future remember to "keep your words short and sweet. You never know which ones you'll eat" okay?
There were hard feelings already but I understand how upsetting this must be for you, the one on the inside of that door. I am inclined to believe you didn't hurt Sammy on purpose. Give them that chance. They're angry and I've no doubt you must be scared now. But YOU must understand that part of the reason they are getting increasingly aggitated is because you're hiding from them. I AM NOT SUGGESTING THAT YOU GO OUTSIDE TO CONFRONT THESE PEOPLE. But you MUST talk to them. Don't get the police into a situation unless they are kicking your door or threatening you, please. Call them on the phone if you have their number... say something truthful like "I know you keep beating on the door but I was afraid you'd hurt me if I opened it. I swear to God I didn't hurt Sammy on purpose!"
Put a note on your door that says "I AM AFRAID TO OPEN THE DOOR, PLEASE LET ME EXPLAIN!"
Go TO the door and talk to them...don't open it until you've made contact and everyone calms down. Be honest, tell them you've got a big mouth and you put your foot in it. Above all tell them you're SORRY. If you would never have hurt Sammy on purpose then TELL THEM that.
Can you imagine what they must be going through? If they loved this cat so much it was as if you'd laid their dead, mangled child on their porch and walked away. They are devastated and out of devastation comes anger and the need to blame someone. You've unwittingly made yourself the target of that anger. Only you can stop what your words created.
They're human..just like you are. Don't play that "well, she shouldn't have been outside" game with these people. It's not going to help. It sounds to me as though they've formed an opinion of you without really knowing you. Perhaps given the chance, they could see for themselves that you are not the type of person who would do such a thing intentionally.
Please make some effort to reach out to them provided they don't turn psycho on you and start throwing stuff at your house or such as that. I think you can work this out.
If you don't? You're going to spend a long time behind that door feeling just as you do now.

Lord Knows How She Loves That Bushy Mustache and Tequilla Breath On a Sweaty, Tijuana night.

the rhinestones
and sequins make him childish,
vulnerable in a dispensing way.
She watches him tap his foot
on the dirt floor as he jams
the strings of his guitar,
fingers groping, stroking
perfectly as an aside.

She insists their eyes met
during the second song-
corazon, corazon, corazon,
to the same three chords,
always the same three chords.
So she stays,exposing
her legs in a less
than subtle way, while
blowing cigarette smoke
into the rattling ceiling fan,
drinking cheap beer,
waiting for him to
finish.

Shitty morning

An old lady is trudging through the mud with
rubber boots and floppy breasts slapping,
flapping, under a wet, wool coat.
It's raining and I want a fucking cup
of coffee and sure as hell don't want
to talk to her.

She's humming - something jovial - and
it pisses me off even more that someone
could humm when they're covered in sludge.
Naive, I guess, but I'm still pissed.

Her coat buttons are huge, like a
stoplight down her potbelly. I pretend not
to see her and look to the road, hoping
she'll walk by and leave me alone because
all I want is a fucking cup of coffee.

Her boots slide in the grass behind me
and every step is soggy suction. She
stops walking but not humming. I grit
my teeth. I don't know the song.

The rain gets fat and loud and I
wonder what the hell she's doing
back there. I don't turn around, in
case there's still a chance of not
talking to her. She taps my arm.

Your book bag is unzipped.
she says, pointing with a drippy finger.
Your books are all wet.
And with that she starts humming again
and turns away in the rain.

in a military town

It's not a walk,
but a stiff,
meaty shuffle,
back and forth,
across the road,
from bar to mall,
from mall to bar,
tattoo parlors and
barber shops.
All I can do is watch
the shaved heads bounce
up and down
behind more shaved heads
in hopes that one of them
will step in my gum.

JUST TO LET YOU KNOW

For all three of my dedicated followers, I have started a new blog, but it is still under my profile. Check it out if you'd like.

www.billboardshepherd.blogspot.com

"There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president." — Kurt Vonnegut

SPAM haikus 3

Thank you, servicemen,
for giving me the freedom
to eat SPAM all day.

If SPAM grew on trees,
I would change my profession
to an orchardist.

When I eat some SPAM,
I'm overwhelmed with pleasure,
but not the sex kind.

Try the SPAM diet.
You may, or may not lose weight,
but hey, guilt free SPAM!

Oh, by the way God, your reputation is on the line

Russian Rambo

A heavily armed recluse nicknamed Russia's Rambo of the Forest has been gunned down in a shoot-out with police.
Alexander Bichkov, had lived a semi-feral existence in the woods for 20 years, terrorising locals and the police if they ventured near him.
A giant at 6ft 7in with a wild straggly beard, the man lived in an old shack and self-made camps, hunted animals for food and only ventured out of the forest in summer when he wouldn't leave footprints leading back to where he lived.
Russian police said he descended from a family of criminals who were exiled by Stalin to the Kostroma region 450 miles east of Moscow, in the 1940s.
At the end of Soviet times nearly 20 years ago he disappeared from his home in a village in the region after refusing a court order to pay alimony to his ex-wife following an acrimonious divorce.
He was declared dead by his family in 1997 because he had been missing for so long.
But now it is known the former forestry worker had fled into the dense Kologriv woods near his village, which were designated as a nature reserve a few years ago.
Terrified local police refused to go into the woods to hunt him down ever since he captured a local commander while out hunting and held him at gunpoint for hours before freeing him and then disappearing into the trees.
Even after he burned down 30 holiday homes in the area belonging to rich Muscovites, police refused to pursue the man they dubbed "Rambo", after the popular action-film hero played by Sylvester Stallone, who was skilled in weaponry and survival.
They did not know - until killing him on March 14 - his true identity, which was obtained from documents they found and through checks with his family.
He was finally shot after the head of the Department of Natural Reserves in Moscow, angered by the inaction of local police, ordered a surveillance operation on him.
After finding out where he lived, six specialist policemen - including Afghan war veterans - from outside the local police and four armed Park rangers went into the forest on snowmobiles to hunt him down and try to arrest him.
Locals nicknamed Bichov Rambo after he became a recluse and terrorised locals like the fictional character played by Sylvester Stallone
But the hermit, who carried two shotguns and a home-made pistol, ambushed them and wounded two.
He then set alight a swathe of forest as a diversion, tracked behind the men and was apparently preparing to start firing on them again.
But a police sniper managed to shoot him in the head, killing him instantly.
One of the policemen, Andrei Potemkin, said: "He ambushed us and I told him to surrender and that we wouldn't hurt him.
"He yelled 'I've nothing to lose' and opened fire.
"He hit two of the others and fired at me. My bullet-proof vest saved my life. He then set his place on fire, and everything was covered with smoke.
"He's a real professional. While we were helping the wounded, he made a circle around us, hiding in the smoke, and cut us off.
"It was pure chance the sniper suddenly saw his figure in the trees and pulled the trigger. He shot him right in the head and he died in a flash."
Police later found in his semi-destroyed lair more weapons, dozens of furs, hundreds of traps and books about hunting and survival.
Locals told of their relief that the man who had haunted the region for so long was dead.
Maria Muzhalova said: "Parents would not let their children go to school without dogs going with them.
"He would steal boots from outside people's homes and steal potatoes from the fields. If you came across him in the summer, he was way too scary-looking to confront him."
Director of the Kologriv nature reserve, Maxim Sinitzin said; "We were all sick and tired of him. He kept leaving traps for animals everywhere.
"We'd break them and he'd make more. Once he trapped three of our inspectors and told them he'd kill them if he ever saw them in the woods again."
Police said that the man used to be a forestry worker.
After his wife left him and the court order against him, he turned into a recluse, cutting himself off from society.
He lived at an abandoned forestry station, miles from the nearest village.
Police sources said: "At the time the forest had not been designated as a nature reserve so no one bothered him for years.
"Then his parents died and his sister and her husband had him declared legally dead - as they had not seen him for so long - and sold his house.
"We think this may have enraged him, making him angry at anybody who moved into the region to build a house, so much that he would burn down their homes because he had none of his own."
When the forest was later made into a nature reserve, hunting was banned, leading to violent clashes between Bichkov and park rangers who would remove his traps, police said.
"He felt he was the king of the forest," one said.
"He had his house, a shed, and his hunting traps. When we went after him he fought to the end. "It was all he had left. He had nowhere to go."

This Chain Email thing is out of control!!!

Experts agree that the 9/11 attack plan called for 5 terrorists on each of the 4 planes used in the attacks. It was discovered that there were only 4 terrorists on flight 93 which went down in Shanksville, Pennsylvania. It had been posited that the 20th hijacker was a neer-do-well in Minnesota who failed to secure the necessary flight training.

Sources close to the McCain campaign have stated that there is reason to believe that Senator Obama was supposed to be the 20th hijacker.

There were a number of individuals who had purchased tickets for flight 93, but did not board the flight. Among the list is the name of an individual who was to connect with flight 93 from Chicago. The person in question's name was B.H. O'Hara. Mr. O'Hara apparently missed his flight which departed Chicago.

McCain staffers have pointed out the lack of evidence that Barack Obama did not use the alias "O'Hara" to purchase the flight tickets. They cite the identical vowels in the two surnames as being more than mere coincidence.

McCain staffers went on to say that there is also no evidence that would prove that Obama has not secretly and anonymously secured flight training.

It was also pointed out that Obama's father lived in Africa which is the same continent where al Qaeda bombed US embassies, and where Somalia is located.

The McCain campaign is currently crafting a TV spot which will focus on the astonishing lack of evidence that Obama was not supposed to be the 20th hijacker.

Magnus Magnusson interviewed Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking in 1988.

Do you think God can intervene in the universe as he wants? Or is God, too, bound by the laws of science?

Your question of whether God is bound by the laws of science is a bit like the question 'can God make a stone so that is so heavy he cannot lift it?' I dont think it is very useful to speculate on what God might or might not be able to do, rather we should examine what he actually does with the universe we live in. All our observation suggests that it operates according to well defined laws. These laws may have been ordained by God, but it seems that he does not intervene in the universe to break the laws.

My Interview with a Politician

Hello Mr. Politician. Thanks for joining us.

No, thank you for taking the time to interview me today and let the great American people get to know me. Rarely are we granted the opportunity to interact with each other in a non-partisan way and I appreciate the chance to do so. That's what makes this country a great nation - one worth fighting for - and that is exactly what I intend to do. Fight for you.

You know, I've been watching the debates lately and I gotta tell ya, I've not been impressed. Why so much question dodging and him-hawing around?

You know, I get a lot of people asking me the same question you just asked, and, let's be clear, I know its difficult with today's economy, to make it. The steel worker in Pittsburgh is feeling it, the teacher in Montana is struggling and the single mother in Utah is under a lot of pressure to make some vital decisions for her family. I'm not blind to these things, and you have to decide, do you want four more years of the same or do you want to put country first?

But you never answered my... nevermind. Let's move on. How do you feel about the conflict in Iraq? If you are elected, what's the next step?

Lets be clear because the American people want straight talk. America has been tested before. This country has been through a lot, and our brave military men and women have sacrificed everything for democracy, for freedom, for what is right. So, if the pundits want to say pass or fail, that's fine, I say one thing; God bless this wonderful country, and if you elect me, I'll make sure that happens.

Make sure what happens, Mr. Politician?

I'll make sure big oil is taxed, and I mean big time. I'll cut taxes until no one pays taxes on anything, ever. I will eliminate greed in all people across the globe and change Washington from the inside out. I will implement the best plan in Iraq and Afghanistan and at the same time I will sit down with all the terrorists at one time and just talk. Talk, talk, talk, until everything is worked out. Oh, also I'll completely stop global warming. By myself.

Those are some big promises, Mr. Politician. Are you sure you are going to fulfil your obligation to keep these promises?


I promise I will. You can take that to the bank, unless, of course, you bank with Washington Mutual. (Laughs) But no, really. I dream big. And I walk the walk, unlike the other guy. They talk the talk. They say they walk the walk, but they voted 43 times against walk walking. 43 times! So how is voting against walk walking helping out the American people? How is voting 19 times against paying troops in Iraq being patriotic? How is voting for evil and tyranny 9 times being patriotic? I sure don't know, but I do know one thing. I love this country.

To be honest Mr. Politician, I don't know what you just said. Can you clarify?

God Bless America and most importantly, may God bless the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan and anywhere else there are Americans who can vote. (Gives thumbs up)

I looked out the window
at the pouring rain.
"Boy it's raining cats and dogs out there."
I said.
Then I realized that
it wasn't really raining
cats and dogs,
it was just water,
and I felt really guilty
for lying.

Patrick's Bumper Sticker Paradox

Suppose one Cretan says to another Cretan, "All Cretans are liars." A paradox is created, for if all Cretans are in fact liars, what he says is true, which would make him not a liar. If he is lying, that means Cretans are not liars, but this is negated by the fact that he is lying.

Now, suppose you are sitting in traffic behind an '87 Buick. Suppose on this Buick there is a bumper sticker, and suppose this bumper sticker reads 'YOU ARE AN IDIOT' in bold, red letters. Once again, we have a paradox. Only an idiot would slap a bumper sticker like that on his car. Because he is an idiot, what he chooses to display on his jalopy should be ignored by people like me, who are not idiots. This is what is referred to as Patrick's Bumper Sticker Paradox.