Some Things Never Change

What happens when you drive 400,000 wagons over the same trail? Apparently nothing grows there ever again. These ruts at Three Island Crossing were created by pioneers traveling the Oregon trail, and are still visible today. The white marker has been placed there by the National Parks Service in an effort to preserve this historical gem.

Blogging from a Rabbit Hole

I recently went to the Doc and asked her to prescribe me something to help me sleep. This night shift shit is for the birds. She gave me a bag and smiled.

"Here, take these 'shrooms before bed. You'll sleep like a baby."

Actually, she didn't say that. What she really said was,

"Here's a prescription for Ambien. You'll sleep like a baby."

But I quickly learned she might as well have prescribed the fungi. I woke up the other night in my closet with a half eaten bag of Cracker Jacks and some Marty guy's Shaefer pen, who apparently likes to have things inscribed with 'Marty the Man'
Actually that last part may have been partially concocted, but I think some of it is true. Well, maybe not. Probably not.
See?! That's the shitty thing about this drug whose name we do not speak. It takes your memory of anything that happens post consumption.

Ambien is a Satan drug!

But I don't call it that because I think it was pharmaceutically engineered with the tears of Lucifer himself or anything. Nor do I trip so hard on Ambien that I think I am Satan wanting to eat babies or anything else. Ambien is a Satan drug because it slyly commandeers your most precious possession. It gives you your present. It gives you the time you think you have and assume you will have memory of tomorrow, but no. It harvests the memories after the good times were had, like a rapist tossing you a Kleenex as you curl in the fetal position.

"C'mon Ambien! I'll give up the actual good time being had, as long as I can have a precious memory of it! Please! I'm on my knees for you Ambien, AKA Zolpidem Tartrate.
Ha Ha. What a stupid name. I was kind of expecting Luciferous phosphate or maybe Beelzebubromim."

"Either way, give me my memories. Where are you keeping them? I can't stand not knowing whether I made that ravioli and ate it, or did my wife eat it before she left yesterday. I need to know if I picked the house up after my wife asked me to, or did she come home, find it in disarray and angrily clean it herself? Did I watch Keith Olberman last night or do I have to watch the TiVo today? Tell me Ambien!
This is futile! You're getting the garbage disposal. (Gasps from crowd) Yes, I know, it's been 666 years since we have utilized the garbage disposal, but this memory snatcher deserves it"

"Any last words Zolpidem?"

"vell, vhy vould I spik? I vill not vemember it in a moment anyvay."

"Noooo! It is I who have become a memory snatcher by means of savagery. I grant you a pardon Zolpi."
"But whatever will you do, master?"
" I don't know. I'm rather tired after all that. Guess I'll just take an Ambien."
.

Turtle Man

Oh, the Ironic Hypocrisy

baby mop

Chris and Matt

Chris and Matt,
I won't kid myself and act like there are hundreds of people who need this information and would be very upset with me if I didn't inform them of my new blog, so to my two followers: go to www.thesaltydog.wordpress.com
I will still maintain this blog with minimal overlap.

"And Your Pets Will Love It, Too!"

Because who wouldn't love to have a sandwich baggy strapped to their sphincter while cuttin' a log?

Nostalgia and Optimism Apparently Don't Mix

Oh, the balance of life! What an elusive, fickle creature. It exists in every thing we see and do. It is omnipresent, yet non-existant at the same time. If you refuse to see it, your naivety will dominate and you certainly never will. Yet if you open your eyes and look, with only a basic knowledge of its existence, it will proudly expose itself like that creepy, moustached math teacher I had in middle school.

It's the age-old, overused concept of the Yin and the Yang. With every bit of "good" in the world, there is a counter balancing "bad" to accompany it. It's just how it is. Every adorable, cooing, potential-filled baby that is born is also one more mouth to exhaust our agricultural resources. It's one more potential rapist, murderer, litterer, jay walker and illegal file-sharing song downloader. Every vow exchanged in the presence of a benevolent god is one more potentially destructive, possessive, bitter, jealous relationship heading toward a life-destroying divorce, or worse yet, an adorable, cooing, potential filled baby. My point: Nothing is 100% good.

I wish old people would realize this. I wish they could look back at their personal days of yore in a realistic way and remember the shitty times and the corrupt government and the lies and the murders and the cults and the wars, not just the sunny days spent eating ice cream in Mayberry. Because when they fail to recognize that bad things happened back then, they think that all the bad things that are happening now are new.

But old people are funny like that. They like to focus on the yin of yore, and they yang of now, not realizing both exist at all times. They fail to see the good of today, the improvements made since their childhood, and the overall betterment of society, because their skewed version of the past leaves them with a rather unbalanced comparison.

But all that is okay. I'm all about old people getting their jollies off on fond memories of summer days on the farm and simple livin'. Days before corrupt governments and inflation and billboards and big government came along. But when their pessimistic mentality starts to wear off on the youth and drain the momentum of good people who respect their elders' opinions, I have a major problem. When an unrealistic version of human history contorts the path of humanity's future, I have an enormous problem.

The fact is, there are great things happening now just as there were great things happening fifty years ago, and there were horrible, violent, catastrophic, unfair things happening fifty years ago just as there are now. Society never improves or degrades. It just changes.

When I was first learning how to ride a motorcycle, my dad would always say, "look where you want to go, and the bike will follow." Well, right now the people of this country are staring into the ditch, and unless they stop comparing today to a fictional past and start embracing the awesomeness shadowed by tragedy, that's exactly where they are cruising.

Earth's Touristyness

One Man's Apacalypse is Another Man's Treasure

We've all heard about the world coming to an abrupt end in 2012, and as we approach the year of finality, the unfounded fear and hysteria is only going to get worse... and Robert Vicino is only going to get richer.
Apparently, this classy entrepreneur is building five-star bomb shelters in twenty locations across the United States in preparation for the end times in 2012. He uses the spike in seismic activity of late as evidence that mankind's guest appearance on Earth is, indeed, coming to a close. He's charging fifty grand for a bunk bed in a room of four, and if his capitalistic benevolence hasn't floored you already, he's allowing pets for free!



Why this whole deal amazes me, I don't know. I guess after all the tea party protesters screaming of the end of democracy and the Birthers afraid of having an Al-Qaeda member as Commander in Chief and Bush era threat level colors, it should come as no suprise that people are freaking out over a bunch of unfounded,controversial claims by radical, imaginative historians. Instead of doing some research to squelch their fears of dying in a flood or massive, global inferno, they would rather drop fifty Gs to buy an underground bunk bed.
This just further proves my theory that people love to be afraid, and hate to be informed. Pessamism is an inherant trait, I guess. We have to learn how to be educated.

In a perfect world

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Get out of there

My wife cried when she saw this

It's kinda like this, BOOM.

To Whom It May Concern

If you subscribe to any certain religion, or wholeheartedly devote yourself to a certain faith, I commend you. I don't' respect you, but I commend you. I commend you for choosing one outlook on life (most likely the one with which your parents reared you) and sticking with it while the rest of the world throws alternative options in your face on a daily basis. I commend you for not doubting your faith, and holding true to your convictions of an overall balance of good and evil. It is almost inhuman to not question your surroundings and the idea of an afterlife, but you have succeeded in suppressing human nature with theology. For this, I commend you. It is no minor feat.

If you happen to be one of the above mentioned religious individuals and you promote brotherhood, compassion, open mindedness, tolerance and equality, then I thank you. I thank you for standing up for the betterment of society when the rest of the religious community wants to judge, condemn, bitch, moan and fight with everyone who disagrees with their fundamental outlook.

However, if you are religious and think your religion is better than every other religion on the planet, or if you think your specific prophet held the one and only way to those roads paved with gold, well, to you I say fuck off.

Fuck off you intolerant, murdering, hypocritical, lying, primitive Muslims. Threatening people with their lives in order to force them to uphold your beliefs is exactly what Mohammad wanted, I'm sure. Which Surra states killing babies and innocent people because they don't share your beliefs is okay? Which Surra states the importance of converting everyone on the face of the planet? How pretentious. Get a fucking life and finally join the rest of the world in the post-barbaric age of heyletsallgetalong.



And to the Buddhists who think all the answers of the world can be answered by OM-OMMMMing and sitting under willow trees for hours at a time while pondering the meaning of bird: fuck off. Life is a bit more complex than that, and sometimes a green bean is just a green bean. I mean, yeah, your philosophy is super cool and I love the coy fish, but don't down play the complexity of life by reducing our consciousness to fluffy clouds.



And to the Christians who drive around with bumper stickers that say things like "Eternity is a long time to be wrong" and "real men love Jesus":fuck off. Jesus would hate bumper stickers and billboards and corny t-shirts and the concept of using fear of an eternity in hell as the sole method of converting people to Christianity. And fuck off to you if you think the world was created in six 24 hour periods between 6,000 and 10,000 years ago. Jesus wanted you to have faith, not ignore science and become an idiot in his name. For those of you who use the bible as a political weapon:fuck off. The Gospel means "good news," not "give me separation of church and state and make this country a Christian theocracy so we can forever battle the evil, blasphemous Muslims." Fuck off to the Mormons (hey, they're kind of Christian) for having their giant, gaudy temples closed to the public. What better way to spread the word than by closing everyone out and then pounding on their doors with tracts and bicycle helmets to drag them in.



For all the hypocrisy, fundamentalism, simplifying, stupefying, judging, hating, killing, and fakery religion brings to our world, you would think people would start opening their eyes and brains. After all, religion is supposed to help us by promoting love through the works of teachers of yore and through a love of God and the betterment of the world. Religion isn't a competition. If you think it is, and you think you are on the winning side, and you think you have it all figured out and that you are on the path to "heaven" and everyone else is doomed, to you I say, with all the bravado, arrogance and cockiness my lack of religion affords me: fuck off.

Dumpster diving

I've been doing some research on the little-known art of dumpster diving. I stumbled across dumpsterworld.com and found this very informative Q&A. I'm intrigued and considering it for myself. Free is free, right? No one has to know it came from a dumpster.



Q: I don’t understand why people want to take things from the trash. You must not be homeless, because you own computers. Why do you dumpster dive?

Most people don’t understand how many useful resources are thrown in the garbage every day. Dumpster diving provides us with all kinds of free goods. Not only do we have homes and computers, some of us have homes full of stuff like COMPUTERS FROM DUMPSTERS. I bet you would take a free computer, if you had the chance.

We don’t dumpster dive because we’re desperate, but because it’s a smart choice. Some of our reasons include:
- Saving and making more money
- Having more freedom by being less dependent on money
- Helping other people by sharing what we find
- Reducing waste to help the environment
- Because treasure hunting is fun.

Q: Those sound like good reasons, but I’m not convinced. Doesn’t everyone have a good reason to throw something in the garbage? Why would it be there unless it’s worthless?

There’s many reasons that perfectly good things go in the garbage. One of the biggest reasons is business practice. Remember that businesses are there to make profit. Goods that are overproduced, don’t sell, need repair, or take too much space and maintainence, are unprofitable to keep. It can also be unprofitable to sell them below cost or give them away free, so they go to waste. Wasting goods helps retailers profit if people might otherwise pay for new ones, and producers profit when more get made.

Waste is a regular result of doing business. Consider how the government props up agriculture and stops it from having a depression, in years when the grain market is saturated. It buys excess grain from farmers, takes it off the market, and lets it rot in warehouses. Farmers still get paid for it, and then they can sell their regular supply without the price dropping below cost. In our system, competing suppliers are always producing more stuff than they can sell, and the excess goes to waste.

Business policies enforce waste. Department stores toss products for cosmetic damage or an open package. Offices toss equipment when they upgrade. A college might toss last year’s furniture for new, because it has to spend money so next year’s budget doesn’t drop. Groceries toss sealed containers of food when it expires. Expiration dates are planned for selling, keeping in mind that a consumer will have days or weeks more for use of the goods.

Relative worth is another reason why good things go in the trash. Wants, needs, and usability change between people. John Moneybags dumps his sofa because it doesn’t match the wallpaper, Jane Englishmajor trashes a pile of books because they’re too bulky to carry home for the summer, and Joe Bluecollar throws out his TV because he doesn’t have time to fix a bad wire.

Q: I’m almost convinced this might be a good idea, but don’t you have to DIVE into a dumpster to get things? Isn’t that dirty and dangerous and not worth the risk?

Common sense makes it pretty safe. When garbage is left over from stuff you can keep around your house, you know how to deal with it. It might smell or look bad, but if it’s emptied daily, it might not even be unpleasant. Proper handling will protect you, and washing will fix anything you decide is worth keeping.

The more adventurous you are, the more good stuff you will find. Some people just go “curb shopping” for things left by the road on trash day. Others only take from the dumpster that has nothing but books in easy reach and clean cardboard. Then there’s miners who put on old clothes and dive right in for the buried treasure.

Q: What about eating it? Won’t you get sick?

Common sense still rules. People who eat it every day have reported more sickness from restaurant food than dumpster food. Food that’s in an airtight container inside a plastic bag never touches garbage. Some produce with a skin can. Contamination won’t be a worry. Spoilage can be, (but keep in mind that expiration is for selling, not use.) Food freshness is easy to test by smell and taste, although raw eggs and meat can be dangerous and many people avoid them altogether. Even spoiled food isn’t neccesarily bad: old bananas and sour milk are useful for baking, and mold can be scraped off cheese.

Q: Isn’t it embarrassing?

You don’t have to tell your friends where your new TV came from, but you will want to, for all the reasons that dumpster diving is a smart choice. For everyone who considers it socially unacceptable, their ignorance helps you every time they throw out good stuff. Be embarrassed all the way to the bank.

Q: Isn't it unethical?

In many places, garbage is public domain, and it should be everywhere. Garbage wastes public space, pollutes the environment, and costs everybody money to dispose of and clean up. It's unethical for someone to guard garbage they don't want as private property, for no reason besides greed, when everyone pays the costs. Recycling reverses those costs and creates value where there was none before, helping the environment and the economy.

For another opinion, a Christian says: "There are references in the bible to gleaning".

Leviticus 19:10 And thou shalt not glean thy vineyard, neither shalt thou gather [every] grape of thy vineyard; thou shalt leave them for the poor and stranger: I [am] the LORD your God.

Deuteronomy 24:19 When thou cuttest down thine harvest in thy field, and hast forgot a sheaf in the field, thou shalt not go again to fetch it: it shall be for the stranger, for the fatherless, and for the widow: that the LORD thy God may bless thee in all the work of thine hands.

"Even in nature, there is purposeful waste. Anyone who ever owned a pet bird knows that. Nature even provides built-in cleaner-uppers, like the buzzard. Evidently this was part of God's intent, and I think anyone who thwarts it is evil, and God will not bless them."

An Anarchist says: "The saying 'property is theft' applies almost perfectly to the case of guarded garbage. (When a dumpster is locked)... I think it's unethical to use a key. I think you are morally obligated to break the lock off."

Q: I’m tempted to try it. What do I need?

- Flashlight, gloves (waterproof rubber if possible), and pocket knife or boxcutter. Slash those bags, but watch for surprises!
- Old clothes in neutral style to avoid attention, and thick boots to avoid glass if you’re reckless.
- A huge backpack and other sacks can carry your finds.
- Dive stick (broom handle with a nail in it), and perhaps a ladder for tall dumpsters, can sometimes help reach things.
- A vehicle can handle big hauls, but it can attract attention, and be hard to use for backlots and alleys where the dumpsters are. A bike is more maneuverable and less conspicuous. If you drive, make sure your papers and vehicle are in order so there’s no excuse for cops to pick on you.
- Map marked with likely places, which you can look up in the phone book.
- A friend can help carry and share your finds.

Q: When and where should I go?

Most people go at night, when businesses close and people are sleeping, but this can look suspicious, so some people go in the day. The times for good finds are unpredictable until you get to know your area, but you might find the best stuff right when the last trash is dumped at the end of the night, especially food. End of the month at apartments can be good, and end of semester at colleges is incredible.

Seasonal diving also has pros and cons. Warm summer nights are great for diving, but heat ruins some food, and there can be more unwanted company. In winter, ice ruins other goods, and snowed-in dumpsters are useless, but the ice cream is delicious.

Places to visit:

- Groceries
- Food wholesale and distribution
- Warehouses
- Large institutions
- Bookstores
- Thrift stores
- Dollar stores
- Department stores
- Pharmacies
- Office supply stores
- Office complexes
- Apartment complexes
- Computer chains
- Local independent computer stores
- Furniture stores
- Hardware stores and tool warehouses
- Places going out of business

Places not recommended to visit:

- Hospitals and medical practices
- Meat handlers
- Restaurants have the stinkiest dumpsters of all, so beware. However, “hot rack” food that’s just been discarded can be worth looking for, and large amounts of bread have sometimes been found.
- Compactors should always be avoided- they are dangerous and useless to try to get in.

Q: Can I get in trouble for this?

If a town has a specific ordinance against it, you can get a fine, but that’s a rare exception. If a place has special security, you might get in trouble for trespassing. Don’t worry if there’s no warning signs or fences. Business managers might get mad if they see you, although some leave stuff outside the dumpster for you. Information security can also worry people. Besides those cases, dumpster diving is at worst a grey area and at best perfectly legal. Most people don’t even know it exists.

If you get seen by average people, they usually act like you’re invisible. If you get caught by cops, some will ignore it, or even consider it helpful, because dumpster divers have found stolen purses and uncovered crimes. Other cops might look for an excuse to pick on you, such as vehicle violations. To deal with that, know your rights: you have to show papers if you’re driving, but otherwise you don’t have to show ID and you only have to tell your name. You don’t have to answer any questions at all, but it pays to be nice. Don’t admit you’re a regular diver. The best excuse is “looking for boxes.”

If dumpster diving is a risk at all, it's probably still a risk worth taking, because the worst trouble you can get into is nothing compared to the benefits.

Q: Taking things from the garbage sounds ethical and I don't think it should be forbidden. Is there any special way I can get around security?

If you’re bold, ignore security cams, especially when a place is closed. It's expensive to pay someone to watch a dumpster, and usually they only have cameras to get a record in case of robbery. Sometimes they even use dummy cams just to scare potential criminals. You’re not a criminal, so don’t worry.

People who are against greedy business policies have recommended cutting locks with large clippers or carrying a tube of superglue to wreck them. Locked dumpsters have been discovered to have one key that works through an entire city trash route, for efficiency, but you will have to be creative to get it.

Fences and warning signs are not good to ignore. However, if you ever get confronted by private security, run. They aren’t cops and you don’t have to obey them.

Q: What should I do with the stuff I find?

Flea Markets and Ebay are great for selling. Places that take trade-in on used goods are worth checking. Some raw materials and special goods like printer cartridges can be recycled for money.

Large amounts of goods can be too much for one person, especially food and furnishings. You can support a whole group of people for free with your diving finds.

For more info, check out these books:

“The Art and Science of Dumspter Diving” by John Hoffman, available from Loompanics books.
“Evasion”, a novel, available from CrimeThinc.

Inmate-made Tetris wallet

I love Tetris. I love money. Ergo, I love my Tetris wallet. I had an inmate at Iowa State Penitentiary make it for me. He only charged me twenty dollars, too. I love my life.

My Perceived Political Argument on Health Care Reform

Democrats- For the sake of anyone with "pre-existing" medical conditions and or affected by out-of-control insurance rate hikes, we NEED to pass health care reform. Greedy insurance companies have spiralled out of control and need to be put in their place.

Republicans- For the sake of the majority of Americans who have emphatically opposed this bill, we need to stand up and do all we can to keep it from passing. We owe it to our children and grandchildren.

Dems- Yeah, but those who are uninsured or under insured are the minority. We are standing up for them and doing what is right in the face of opposition.

Repubs- But isn't this country still a democracy? Shouldn't the voice of the masses count for something?

Dems- Yes, but unfortunately, due to mis-education by the republicans, the American people have been led astray and are opposing health care reform for all the wrong reasons?

Repubs- Like what? The fact that it is a socialist program and the last thing we need is more government control in an age where capitalism is threatened anyway? After the worthless bailouts and "stimulus packages" the government has been throwing around, we should have learned that the government should leave well enough alone. Ultimately, the American people know best.

Dems- Oh, you mean like the Jim Crow laws that were in effect up until 1965 which segregated African-Americans from Whites? Sometimes, regardless of what the American people want, there is still a definitive right and wrong.
Oh, and just so you know, socialism isn't a four letter word. It's okay to let the government control things. Hell, conservatives strongly opposed medicare in the sixties. Even your hero Ronald Reagan said "If we don't stop medicare, one of these days you and I are going to spend our sunset years telling our children and our children's children what it once was like in America when men were free."

Repubs- That's because Reagan knew, fundamentally, government has no place meddling in health care issues. Medicare happened to be a success, but why not leave well enough alone? Democrats want to fix everything and think more restrictions is the answer. More restrictions and government interaction leads to communism.

Dems- Do you think it is a person's right to have health insurance? If so, they should be afforded the opportunity in an equal manner as everyone else. No denials. No extreme rate hikes. No dropping. Period.

Repubs- Wrong. The health insurance field is a private sector and runs on basic rules of capitalism and competition. If you become too much of a liability to an insurance company, they should have the right to drop you. This is America, after all. Those insurance CEOs didn't get to where they are because they were lazy. They own their company and should make their own decisions.

Dems- But at what expense? Americans' lives? You are putting hard work and capitalism over the lives and well being of your fellow Americans? That's crazy.

Repubs- If you don't make enough money to provide quality health insurance for your family then you should find a new job and work harder. You can't always expect a handout from the government.

Dems- You're right. The government is only here to make sure you obey the laws and pay taxes and join the military. They aren't here to ensure that you are taken care of or keep corrupt individuals or companies from taking advantage of you. They should have let the banks fail, along with all those who borrowed money through predatory lending and they should let insurance companies do what they want because its a free country. That makes sense.

Repubs- Well, at least your starting to see things my way.

Google + Info Display = Love

I love google. I love interactive data displays. Combine the two and I'm in heaven (without the cases of Sam Adams). I keep finding more and more killer stuff at informationisbeautiful.com and I'm not even getting paid to advertise them. Check this out and drool like I did.

Yea or Nay already!

It's 9:40 on Sunday night and the voting in Washington has begun! I'm pretty stoked. Let's get this shit done already! I hung my fliers. I made my phone calls. I argued at work. I'm sure, if this health care reform thing passes, it will be solely due to my efforts. Feel free to thank me.

Apostle's Creed - The Christians' owner's manual

Suppose a friend asked you to get a joint gym membership with him. As with any other proposal, your immediate response would be to consider how you would benefit from it. You weigh the pros and cons and after a brief moment of internal debate, you ask your friend why he thinks you should. What would you say if he responded like this:

"Well, the gym in town donates a lot of money to charities and I think it would feel good to be part of that. Also it's a really old gym and it has a rich history and there is a very strong sense of pride for the members of this gym. Oh, and also, the people there are really friendly and cordial and they always make you feel welcome and appreciated."



You may dwell on it for a moment, and there's a small chance you would join based on the benefits proposed, however, the chances of you joining this gym would greatly increase if you added a few more benefits, like this:

"Well, the gym in town donates a lot of money to charities and I think it would feel really good to be part of that. Also, it's a really old gym and it has a rich history and there is a very strong sense of pride for the members of this gym. The people there are really friendly and cordial and they always make you feel welcome and appreciated. Not to mention, if you do it right, you could become totally healthy, lose weight, increase your quality of life, live longer and boost your self-esteem."



In the first scenario some benefits are listed, but nothing overtly tangible. Everything listed could be attained by some other means and aren't necessarily worth the cost of joining a gym. However, the second option coaxes a bit better with direct, substantive effects and positive physical changes that can ONLY be attained by physical activity, which happens to be the purpose of a gym. Now, one can justify the membership fees because the benefits of the specifics offered by the gym outweigh the money.

Now, let's look at religion like a gym membership. How many successful religions do you suppose there would be if none of them offered the gift of salvation or eternal life or virgins or paradise or reincarnation?

"Hey man, join my church."
"Why?"
"Well, uh, because we are a group of people organized to praise God and promote kindness. Oh, and sometimes we have potlucks."
"Oh. Well, that sounds kind of cool. What do I have to do if I say yes?"
"Well, come to church as often as you can and live life as God wants you to."
"What happens if I don't do those things?"
"Nothing."
"What happens if I do?"
"Nothing."
"I'll pass."

Ultimately, without offering the direct benefit of being able to live forever in a land of golden roads and mansions, religion is just another charity offering soup suppers and can drives. The prospect of spreading the word and saving (or eradicating) non-believers while also ensuring salvation for one's self keeps membership levels high, devotion strong, and minds closed to non-religious ideals.

That said, let's turn our attention to the more complex issues of religion, like religious texts. Every major religion has them, and they're all equally as confusing. Since, as we concluded above, the biggest reason people subscribe to religion is to experience the afterlife, then why learn anything other than how we can achieve our goal?

When I buy a toaster, I don't want a thousand page owner's manual covering the history of toasters and why toasters are good and where the future of toasters is most likely heading. I just want to know how to safely use the toaster to toast my tasty bread. And if I subscribe to a religion, I just want to know how to get the main benefit from it, which would be going to heaven. Yeah, I'll read the Koran out of curiosity, but give me a simplified form with the basics first, then I'll worry about heritage.



That's why I love the apostle's creed. It basically breaks down the meaning of Christianity and tells people what they need to do to get their cut. So, pretty much just believe the things listed below, and you're good to go.

I believe in God, the Father Almighty,
the Maker of heaven and earth,
and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord:

Who was conceived by the Holy Ghost,
born of the virgin Mary,
suffered under Pontius Pilate,
was crucified, dead, and buried;

He descended into hell. [See Calvin]

The third day He arose again from the dead;

He ascended into heaven,
and sitteth on the right hand of God the Father Almighty;
from thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead.

I believe in the Holy Ghost;
the holy catholic church;
the communion of saints;
the forgiveness of sins;
the resurrection of the body;
and the life everlasting.

Amen.

Pretty simple, huh? You know all those arguments about what God thinks about abortion and gay people and evolution and slavery and sex before marriage and makeup and stem cell research and "The Stairway to Heaven" backwards? Not important! Just know the ten commandments and follow the above guidelines and you should be A-OK.



Boy, is that a weight off of my shoulders! I just got into Leviticus and man, that's a lot of rules! Now that I've realized the Bible is more-or-less a history novel and reading it is not vital to my salvation, what shall I do with all my time?

Anyone up for going to the gym?

The Hoff is a bit off

If you liked David Hasselhoff before this video, you'll really like him after it. Kudos if you can make it through the whole thing.

If you are a sucker for information in visual form like I am, go here. It's called informationisbeautiful.net and it's filled with ubersweet graphs, interactive displays and more info than you can point a laser pointer at. Check it out.

The Easy way to stay Green

I love reading extreme, religious literature. Not just the old testament or those little thumbnail comic books you find in the bathrooms at truck stops or that wacky book o' Mormon either. I mean the fire-and-brimstone-hurling, Revelations-interpreting, baby-Jesus-speaking (seriously, it's in the Koran)stone-your-daughter-to-death-if-she's-not-a-virgin type of religious literature. You know, the kind of stuff that when you read it, you momentarily denounce religion and the western concept of God until you realize that would make you a blasphemer and you get scared of going to hell and immediately repent.
Take, for example, the article in the Jehovah's Witness magazine called The Watchtower which I stole from the hospital waiting room earlier today. The title was "Will the Earth Come to an End?"
After a brief intro discussing America's infatuation with the end of the world, it goes on to list discussion points in an attempt to hypothesize at how God really thinks.
The most intriguing and somewhat baffling point is Does our Planet have an expiration date?
The mysterious, unnamed author uses Ecclesiastes 1:4 to explain. "Generations come and generations go, but the earth remains forever." and Psalm 104:5 which prophetically reads " God founded the earth upon established places and designed it to last to time indefinite, or forever."
So wait, all that talk about the sun incinerating our planet in 7.5 billion years is a hoax? Whoo hoo! Mother earth aint got nothin' to worry about! Let yer hair down mamma!



Wait, wait, wait, hold the phone. What about all this crazy talk about global warming? Does The Watchtower have anything to say about that one?

Ha. Does Miley Cyrus need orthodontic attention and a boob job? Of course it does. It states that there is no way irresponsible humans could spoil the planet beyond recovery because unlike humans, Jehovah is able to do all things and can confidently guarantee that nothing can stop him from carrying out his purpose for the earth. Oh, and it says God made earth specifically to be inhabited (Isaiah 45:18), and since God doesn't make mistakes, that means he made an indestructible earth that can't be harmed by the very creatures he created to inhabit it, right?



Right!Under the bullet point titled Turn to God and Be Saved it says God's good news for us in Matthew 24:14 is his unfailing word that our earth will never come to an end. And it also says that soon, only the righteous will possess the earth and they will find their exquisite delight in the abundance of peace.

Yes! Earth's existence is infinite, and only the righteous will be allowed to live here in delight and an infinite amount of peace. Sounds like Belinda Carlisle had it right all along.

Whoa. Seriously, that makes me totally happier now. All that guilt about my size 17 carbon footprint and all those gallons of oil I dumped into that creek because I didn't want to pay the four dollars for proper disposal...gone! God has a plan for this smoggy planet after all, and it's all good things. And to think, all this time I've been buying recycled material and turning the water off as I brush my teeth when I could have just converted to a Jehovah's Witness!

Eat your heart out, Al Gore!

This is a place of worship, not logic!

I got into a theological debate with a friend who happened to be quite radical in his beliefs. He said he doesn't even believe in evolution a little bit and that he puts all his faith in the bible. He thinks Genesis tells exactly how it all began and that nothing existed before. When asked how he explained fossils of creatures that walked the planet millions of years before humans he smiled, as though I were a naive layman, and said "That's easy. God created the earth with fossils embedded in the soil to test our faith. I worship God, not science. I have faith and that's all I need."

What the hell do I say to that?

I've always been a supporter of the second amendment, yet I've never felt the need to own a firearm myself. I just don't think I'm important enough to want to kill, and statistically I have a better chance of getting attacked by a rabbid dog. But obviously, some people think they are going to need a sub-machine gun when they go out to check their mail. Why do these people feel their lives are in danger on a daily basis? Because of companies like this that employ people like this and make products like this.

To the drunk idiots- A Craislist poem-Chicago

People live in the apartments above and around the new (yuppie) bar.
Please shut the fuck up.
It's 2:00AM, I'm trying to sleep, and you really really suck right now. And so do the Rolling Stones.

Fuck You.

Lust and Kisses - a Craigslist poem-Fargo

Should have left the canyon that night.
Too buzzed on Tequila. lol
We eventually figured out how to completely destroy a unique gift.
Odd, since it's what we had always desired...as chldren and lost souls.
Be well.

Windy City

Roe V Wade, Islam, rock music, liberalism and now... pink Ouiji boards?
Of all the threatening societal barriers fundamental Christianity faces, I would think they have bigger fish to fry, but apparently not. In a recent article posted on foxnews.com, Stephen Phelan, communications director for Human Life International, one of the largest international pro-life organizations and missionaries in the world says "There's a spiritual reality to it and Hasbro is treating it as if it's just a game. It's not Monopoly. It really is a dangerous spiritual game and for [Hasbro] to treat it as just another game is quite dishonest."
You know, he's right. Hasbro should probably limit their pink Ouiji board sales to tween, voodoo practicing girls in Haiti. Or maybe in Uganda so we can weed out non-christians and imprison and kill them like they want to do to the gays.
While you're at it, why don't you speak out against pink magic eight balls, or pink rabbits' feet. Hell, how about this one?
Someone should tell the fundamental Christians if they're going to get all bent and wage a war on corporations capitalizing on Americans' radical, unfounded reliance on spirits and goblins, then they should start their beef with Genesis.

It's worse than I thought

DailyKos.com contracted the pollster Research 2000 to pull together a random survey of self-identified Republicans and test the prevalence of some of the stranger ideas floating around.

The answer, sadly, is that these ideas are very prevalent.

Putting Ann in her place.

If you are anything like me (a level-headed, hard working, God fearing, democracy loving American), then every time you see Ann Coulter on Fox News (which would only be in passing or while you're on the treadmill at the gym because if you are like me (which you already agreed to being) you would have Fox News blocked from your home television) you would say to yourself, "Man, I would really like to wipe my ass with her stupid, skeletor face." Well, I am happy to announce that it is now possible.






It's from Canada, which makes it great, and it's toilet paper with Ann Coulter's face which makes it even greater.

"But the infidels started it!"

Remember that skinny, pale kid in elementary school that would run and tell the teachers if you so much as looked at him cross? And remember thinking, after he snitched you out, how badly you wanted to kick his ass, even though you didn't want to ten seconds earlier when you were looking at him funny?



That pale, skinny kid is radical Islam. Let me explain.

Said pale, skinny kid - lets call him Roland- went and ratted you out for several reasons.

1- Roland's playing defense. By attacking you and dealing small blows by means of being a booger-headed tattletale, he thinks he is protecting himself and his friends from you and your intimidating posse.

2- Roland has low self-esteem. His parents didn't take his binky from him until he was six and he wears weaved belts. His favorite activity is avoiding contact with real human beings and staring at video games while eating granola. Basically, believing everyone is out to beat him up makes him feel more valuable.

3- Roland loves being a victim. It's easy to get sympathy from a select, close few, he gets a lot of attention and if he ever happens to make a bad decision in life, it's a great excuse to use on his behalf. I was abused/bullied/persecuted as a child seems to work well for a plethora of wrongdoings these days.

While Roland may not be strapping a suicide vest on anytime soon, his delusional plight sounds all too familiar.



Cue the AK wielding, not-so-pale radical Muslim ranting about Islam being bullied by the global powers that be ever since Muhammad (peace be upon him) hopped on his white horse. Just like Roland, the radical Muslims have been using their self-pity as an excuse to make the rest of the world pay for the fact that they have been sheltered and ostracized from the global community.

Because let's face it, if it weren't for the "victim card" Al Qaeda pulls on a weekly basis, they would be no more justified than the very infidel, westerner bullies they claim to be defending themselves from.

But don't get me wrong. By no means am I claiming that Muslims (or Roland for that matter) have not had their fair share of shitty deal. I mean, jeesh, the crusades? Totally not cool. But since when were Muslims the only people to fall victim to barbaric human behavior? Last time I checked, there weren't many Native Americans trying to blow up flights over the Atlantic - and we've been stomping the crap out of their holy land for centuries now.


Every race, religion and gender has been victimized throughout history. Hell, we're all victimizing each other as we speak. But the whole victims begets victims thing doesn't do much in terms of progress, and at the risk of sounding like a corny U2 song, the cycle must be broken. At some point, Roland must wipe the tears from his eyes, learn some social skills and approach the bullies in a way that isn't going to make them want to kick his ass even more. Big boy words go a long way...even on the global playground.

Pink shmink

Pink necklaces. Pink rubber wrist bands. Pink cosmetics. Pink broaches. Pink t-shirts. Pink sunglasses. Pink laptops. Pink...soup cans. Wait, what? Pink cement trucks? Pink pistols?



Has this breast cancer awareness thing gotten totally out of hand? Don't get me wrong, I'm all about healing and finding cures and surviving and all that jazz, but where do the lines of decency in promoting a cause get drawn? At what point do we filter the products that get a coat of pink to boost sales? How long until American consumers say, "you know what? If I want to help find a cure for breast cancer I'll donate to the American Cancer Society, just don't offer me a pink snow shovel."?

All this wreckless spattering of pink has taken the honor out of the fight for breast cancer and has transformed it into a matter of popular culture and marketing. I find it just as insulting to see a pink cement mixer as I do to see a punk ass kid with a POW MIA tattoo plastered around his forearm because his great uncle is a Vietnam veteran.


As a matter of fact, next time I'm at Walgreens and they offer me a breast cancer awareness flashlight for 4.99 I'll tell them to actually make a difference by donating money to the American Cancer Society, then shove the flashlight up their ass.

If you would like to donate to help fight cancer click here and save yourself from buying some tacky, pink item you don't need.

Effing Liar.

Jay's 2004 Announcement - watch more funny videos

Protecting the future today

It's every parent's worst nightmare: A drug deal goes bad in the next apartment and the bullets start flying. Your baby, fast asleep in his cozy farm animal quilt, has to dodge lead because mommy and daddy didn't have the resources to buy him a bulletproof crib.
Well, worry no more. At bulletproofbaby.net you can find everything from bulletproof strollers to baby face shields and toddler tasers.
Now I don't have to worry when me and the tykes go for a walk in Compton.

FYI Stats pulled from Harper's magazine index.

Estimated number of cows it takes to supply the 22,000 footballs the NFL uses every season: 3,000
Number of pigs: 0

Number of wisdom teeth extracted from Americans last year: 9,337,000

Percentage of Chicago restaurant managers who say they allow patrons to smoke cigarettes: 84
To nurse a child: 34

Chances that a first-time user of cocaine will become addicted: 1 in 6

Number of Parisians who break bones or are hospitalized each year after slipping on dog feces: 650

Maximum number of “unsaved” players permitted per team in a Massachusetts evangelical softball league: 4

Number of microphones installed in Redwood City, California, last August as part of its “Urban Gunfire Location System”: 8
Number of town residents killed by random gunfire before the program was instituted: 0

Percentage change since 1978 in the number of Americans who say they believe in ghosts: +200

Percentage of high-school students who say the telephone was invented after 1950: 10
Percentage who cannot name the region of the country William Faulkner wrote about: 67

Cost per minute to hear the Bill of Rights read over the phone “in a provocative manner” by a woman named Bambi: $1.98

Randee

So that's what English sounds like

A song written by an Italian composer to sound like English. It's actually kind of frustrating to listen to because the brain wants to make sense of the "English sounding" words, but it can't quite do it.

See more funny videos and Music Videos at Today's Big Thing.

Adam